Monthly Archives: February 2015

Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up


My biggest objection to letting go of my judgment and chronic dissatisfaction has been my fear that if I stopped seeing what was wrong and the compulsion to say “this is wrong and things shouldn’t be this way,” it would be equivalent to giving up all hope of having a better life.

In fact, a few years ago, while attending a spiritual practices conference, one of the instructors confided to me, “people come here because they want to be happier and more successful but the truth is [God] doesn’t care if you’re wealthy and successful. It can be really tricky teaching people something the application of which may have unintended consequences for them.”

I can’t speak to the instructor’s frame of mind when he shared this but I know I felt a pang of fear when I heard what he said. What I heard him saying was, “You can do these spiritual practices and end up losing all your money because that is what [God] sees fit. And even though this may cause you tremendous misery and pain, [God] is doing it because it’s good for you.”

I know for myself, that’s the reason I’ve resisted spiritual practice for so long. Because we tend to hold that [God] is like a drill sergeant at bootcamp trying to shape us lazy, worthless humans into something worth letting into heaven. “OK, I’ll give you cancer and if that doesn’t give you the character and moral fiber required to be an angel, I give up.”

It’s funny to me how I see my higher power as being such a total asshole. You would think an Being that created everything might be above such petty concerns as “shaping humans up enough to qualify as angels.”

The point I really want to make is that I’ve believed that by letting go of my ego-driven judgment and need to feel superior, I would doom myself to a pathetic life of misery. You know, “Well, if I don’t care if I have a better job, I’ll end up working at some minimum wage fast food job for the rest of my life.” Or “I’ll just be stuck with my jerk boyfriend who cheats on me and criticizes me all the time.”

And in defense of the ego (so often portrayed as the BAD GUY in spiritual teachings) those attitudes…the need to feel superior and to create something better…got us out of touch situations when we were children. If you grow up with parents who don’t like the way things are but won’t do anything (because if I rock the boat I’ll lose my job) you learn those beliefs. You learn this is our tribe’s culture and if you want to be a member, you believe these things, too.

What I am learning as I continue to shift my attention from my ego (not making the ego the bad guy so much as a part of me that no longer needs to run the show) to the voice of my higher power, I’ve learned that letting go of ,judgment dissatisfaction, and fear doesn’t transform me into either some helpless lump who just has to put up with the indignities of life or into a woo woo flake who thinks “it’s all beautiful, man.”

There’s a reason it’s called Mind-FULL-ness. Both of those extremes seem rather mindLESS.

Letting go is a type of giving up but not what I think most of us view as giving up. I think the type of giving up most people fear including me is the fear that “I’m just not going to try anymore.” That is despair born of the fear that we are truly worthless.

The giving up that occurs when we say I’m going to let my higher power show me what I need is giving up on the idea that our ego knows what’s best for us. In my case, I stopped frantically chasing solutions. I stopped thinking, “Well if I could just find a better strategy to deal with this problem I’ll be happy and have what I want.”

Instead, I said, “I’m going to be quiet and listen more to what that little voice inside me is saying and follow what that voice is suggesting.”

This is not always easy. That little voice rarely gives me directives. Which is why I am in profound appreciation for the spiritual teachings that offer some guidelines to help when I get confused. Things like:

  • Am I reacting from a place of fear or am I being attracted because it’s something I love.
  • Am I finding my identification based on what I dislike or am against? Which feels like separation. Or am I encompassing something which is love.
  • Am I judging and making something wrong or am I open and curious?

I could go on but I think the best guideline for my intentions are:

  • Do I feel contracted, separate, and up against something? This is fear and ego.
  • Do I feel expansive, connected, and as though my heart is open? This is love and trust.

One last thing I’ll mention is I often get caught up in the idea that “This is a lot of work.” The way you have to “work really hard” to become an Olympic athlete. The implication being, my life is going to totally suck until I achieve some kind of enlightenment. Like in 70 years or so.

But it is far more subtle and a lot more rewarding than that. I have more moments when something that once made me nuts now just slides off my back. Based on what I defined as “success” earlier this year, that is quite an achievement because for me, the greatest freedom is to be able to be with any person or in any situation and be in a place of peace and service.

And from a business and prosperity perspective, I am far more empowered when I’m calm and lucid and I make way better decisions.


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Lessons from Hitting the Wall

Wile E. Coyote’s ACME Instant Tunnel at MIT” by Kenneth LuFlickr: Wile E. Coyote at MIT.
Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Last week I had a colonoscopy.

I had been dreading it for months. Or more accurately, I had been dreading the pre-procedure preparation which involves fasting and drinking a foul-tasting laxative so that my lower intestine would be nice and clean for the camera.

While drinking my second 16-0z cup of laxative at 3am, I seriously questioned whether a colonoscopy was worth it. I was well aware of the risks a colonoscopy is supposed to address. I even know someone for whom the early detection made possible by a colonoscopy was, literally, a life saver.

When the procedure was complete and I was told everything looked fine, I felt a sense of profound relief. I assumed once the sedative wore off, I could simply pick up my life where I left off.

Not quite.

I expected that after fasting a full day and emptying out my digestive system I’d be ready to eat out the refrigerator. I was looking forward to pigging out on some comfort food like mashed potatoes or pancakes.

Oddly, however, I had very little appetite. Instead, I felt mostly bloated and nauseous…as though I had some kind of stomach bug.

I could only manage a little ramen and some cranberry juice before I went to bed that night.

The day after my procedure, I still felt bloated and nauseous. In addition, I was also feeling weak and dizzy. After running a few simple errands, I could barely drag myself into bed.

I guess being someone who is almost always in good health has left me with very little patience and ability to deal with feeling sick. And in this situation, I was feel so much worse, I panicked thinking something terrible was happening to me.

I wondered if I should call 911 but it didn’t feel like I was in danger. What was freaking me out was the fear that danger was imminent and just a matter of time even though I didn’t know what that danger might be. I didn’t understand what was happening in my body and I think what was ultimately most upsetting was there was no one I felt I could ask for help.

There was a time when I would have called my dad who was a dentist and had medical training. Even if he didn’t have the answer, he would listen to my symptoms and suggest what my next steps should be. My dad was the first person I turned to when I needed advice and reassurance. But my dad is now 83 and I was concerned that calling him would do nothing but upset him and upsetting my dad would upset me even more.

What I finally did was to reach out to people. I wrote an update on Facebook, I called my husband, and paged my doctor.

Like everyone, I hate asking for help. I hate being vulnerable and needy. I hate being in a position where I feel I have nothing valuable to offer and am at the mercy of others giving to me.

I was so afraid no one would respond. No one would be able to give me what I needed and then I’d really be in trouble.

But people did respond.

The nurse on call was reassuring. She suggested I drink a sports drink to restore my electrolytes and take probiotics to get my digestive bacteria working again. Quite a few of my friends and acquaintances on Facebook responded with good advice and wishes that I feel better soon. My husband sat with me while I cried and complained and experienced some really painful emotions.

And slowly, day by day I’ve been feeling better. My appetite has not fully returned. I’m still not feeling entirely back to the way I felt prior to the procedure. But I’m eating and I definitely feel more myself.

“Hitting the Wall” is when I feel that deep pain of isolation and the despair that there’s no one out there who can or will respond to my cry for help. This wasn’t a situation filled with trauma or drama. But trauma and drama isn’t a requirement for being in a dark place. I’d call this more a moment of extreme quiet desperation.

The good thing is I didn’t stay in that place. I reached out and asked for help and I received the reassurance that I have people in my life who care and want to help.

I feel deeply humbled and deeply touched by the experience.


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Day 28: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Letting Go of Judgment


One of the toughest things for me to do is to stop judging. For most of my life I’ve taken a lot of pride in what I like to call my “sense of discernment.” It’s like being a connoisseur of whatever I want to be. Mistaking my opinion for expertise.

By definition, an opinion is a judgment but it is a subjective judgment meaning a judgment without much supporting evidence.

When you write a scholarly paper, one of the steps you take is to do a survey of all the research done on the topic about which you’re writing. This is to make sure you take into account previous evidence other people have discovered.

This doesn’t mean opinions aren’t important or valid. I know my emotional responses are important and worthy of taking seriously.

The distinction is an opinion is subjective and usually the result of personal experiences and beliefs. Two people with different experiences and beliefs can see the exact same thing and form very different opinions about that thing.

The visual that comes to mind for me is throwing a rubber ball at a wall. One wall is relatively smooth while the other wall is full of protrusions and odd angles. I think beliefs and experiences are like those rough walls with all kinds of angles and protrusions and each person has a unique “wallscape.”

So how the ball returns to you will vary a lot depending on the wallscape against which you throw it. The way the ball returns is the opinion each person forms.

Judgment can be a delicious addiction. One of my favorite questions to be asked is “Judy, what do you think about …?”

Oh boy! My ego is is rubbing her hands together in glee. And I’ll happily hold forth on the topic. I’ll get indignant and self-righteous. I may not use the word “should” but that word is lurking right below the surface.

And not just when I’m talking about something I don’t like. It’s there when I’m holding forth on something I like because if I like it, everyone else ought to like it as well!

I don’t think having an opinion is a bad thing nor is offering advice and suggestions. One of the most beautiful things humans can do for one another is to offer solutions and advice because I believe we are designed to be interdependent on one another as a reminder that we are not billions of separate bickering little entities in the grand scheme.

The question is: what is the source of the advice or suggestion? Is it our ego which is the part of us primarily concerned with survival? Or is it the Divine working through us?

How do I know?

If my judgment is about making me better than someone else however subtle that may look, it’s ego. This is because my ego wants one thing and that is relief from fear. If I’m better, not just as good but better, there’s good chance I’ll keep, maybe even grow my power and stay in the tribe.

If my judgment is about love, coming from a place of plenty, it’s the Divine working through me. The Divine isn’t worried about my survival. Fear isn’t part of the Divine.

Here’s an example of a suggestion coming from a place of Divine Love. When asked about the conflict in the Middle East, the Dalai Llama said, “People are too emotional. They need to calm down.” I’m paraphrasing a little here but that, in essence is what he said.

Now, the Dalai Llama is not the first person who has said that people need to calm down. It wasn’t what the Dalai Llama said. It wasn’t even the way he said it. It was the place from which his words came.

It was interesting also that the Dalai Llama responded to the question quickly and directly. He didn’t take a minute to contemplate what and how he would answer.

I think this is partly because he probably does spend more time than most of us contemplating these issues but I think it’s also because he spends a good chunk of his day in prayer and meditation when he is open and aware of God. Making himself a clear channel for the expression of God’s Love.

So from my perspective, giving up judgment means not going through my life with my ego holding forth on why I’m so much better and everything and everyone else is so much worse. It means:

  • Noticing when I’m in judgment.
  • Not participating when other people are.
  • Forgiving myself.
  • Opening up to Divine Love (which is what I really want to begin with).
  • Repeat as necessary.



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Day 27: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – The High Price of Avoidance

As I contemplate my circumstances, it’s clear that I’m here because I’ve been avoiding stuff.

I feel I’ve addressed the issue of avoidance before but I have a deeper awareness now of what I’ve been avoiding and why it’s important to stop avoiding.

What have I been avoiding? Reality. The reality? People in small business do things and I take those things to mean I don’t have value. It’s all about my ego. No actually, it’s all about focusing on my ego’s reaction which is valid but not that important.

It’s about my decision to give my ego’s response and interpretation meaning and allow that meaning to guide my decisions and actions.

At this point, I’m considering the following actions and haven’t yet tipped in favor on any one in particular:

Look at technical projects that sound interesting and that I’m qualified to work on. This action supports finding contract consulting work.

Talk with people about their marketing and messaging challenges. This action supports creating a business.

Doing some exercises to help me better articulate what exactly I’m looking for which would actually support both since if I can better articulate what I’m wanting, I’m open to different ways to having those things.

OK, based on the above, adding some words to articulate what I’m interested in sounds like the way to go.

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Day 23: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Unconditional Happiness

Yesterday I was listening to the Marianne Williamson’s Letting Go and Becoming and in particular, the part about how many of us make our happiness contingent on getting something we believe we lack.

That something can be just about anything: a relationship, a better job, a promotion. Or it could be about getting rid of something we believe is making our lives miserable: an impossible boss, taxes (especially this time of the year), an extra 20 pounds, etc.

As I was listening, it occurred to me that so often I’ll look back on a particular time in my life and think, “Wow, I had a lot to be happy about.” But during the time period I’m thinking of, I wasn’t very happy at all.

For example, I took two years off to get my MBA. I look back at this time now as one of the best in my life. But during those two years I would say I was rarely joyous.  I definitely had fun and had enjoyable moments, but I was always worried about my future and that had a big dampening effect on my happiness.

There are a variety of reasons people get advanced degrees like MBAs: a big one is the ability to earn more money. I worked in advertising: a field that doesn’t pay well especially at the lower levels. I wanted to be able to make enough to live on my own. Another big reason was to get a more satisfying job with advancement opportunities. As someone in the marketing profession, most large companies required an MBA to qualify for positions in brand management. I wanted better options.

So during the two years I was an MBA student, I constantly worried about getting a job after I graduated. I think getting a job probably occupied my thoughts at least 75% of the time. The classes I took, the part time jobs I had…even the people I hung out with to some degree was contingent on “Will this help me get a job off?”

The point is, because I was so focused on a future event, I didn’t enjoy the present much. As an example, I attended the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and Ann Arbor is a beautiful town. The campus itself is really cool and there are a lot of neighborhoods with old homes surrounded by large shade trees and gardens. I would often take long walks and even though part of me was enjoying the sights, in the back of my mind there was still that endless question beating away, “Will I get a job offer?”

If I wasn’t worrying about whether I’d get a job offer I was fantasizing about how it would be when I did get my job offer: the clothes I’d buy, where I’d live, the boyfriend I’d have, the cool things I’d accomplish, and the accolades I’d get.

I was in my head not in my life.

So this made me think, “What if the time I’m living in, right now, is a time I’ll look back at fondly and I’m not allowing myself to fully experience it because I’m so pre-occupied with getting what I don’t have?”

That’s a good question to ask because it gets me out of my head and reminds me to appreciate the present moment more no matter what is happening. Appreciating means slowing down. Taking a moment to notice how things look, smell, and taste. Noticing my emotions, good and bad.

Some good questions and ideas to be with today.

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Day 21: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Today is a Gift


One of the things I wrote about yesterday was how I can find all kinds of ways to lapse into unconsciousness.

After I stopped shopping online, I discovered I could also lose huge chunks of time by trying to create the perfect image to represent an idea I wanted to write about.

I love the trading card design I created for the post about Lack or Love AND I spent most of the day making it. I love the image I created. It’s really cool. I’m going to use it as a template for one of my projects. Still, I feel as though I spent a fair amount of time being pretty obsessive-compulsive.

I think there’s a middle ground.

The image created for this post took me about 15 minutes using Photoshop. It’s my “good enough” image so I really can have more time today to experience the gift today is.

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Day 20: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Hitting the Wall & Finding Love


I started today by reading a selection from Rami Shapiro’s book, Recovery: the Sacred Art. This is one of my favorite books for spiritual practice because it captures a lot of what I’ve found to be true in a very simple way.

I also appreciate the gentle humor Rami uses. Addiction recovery and spiritual ideas can get really intense and serious and the humor in this book makes it easier to enter my day. Sometimes after an intense reading I feel like I’m emerging from a cave making it harder to step into the stream of everyday life.

Today I was reading about how events that feel like rude awakenings have been the most direct paths to getting what I wanted.

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Day 18: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Love or Lack?


As I continue to define the kind of business I want to have and my purpose for having a business, the tool I’m finding most helpful is to ask myself periodically, am I doing this from a place of Love or a place of Lack?

I created this card as a prompt to keep asking this question because it’s so important.

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Day 16: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – A Better Way to Get Attention

Indian Elephant

There’s a scene in the television show, Breaking Bad, where the character, Jessie is talking with his younger brother, Jake. Jessie was always the “bad kid”–not applying himself in school, doing drugs, and hanging out with a bad crowd. Eventually his parents do “tough love” and kick Jessie out.

Jake on the other hand is the the “good kid”–he’s only 12 but is already recognized as a star by his parents and teachers. In fact, one of the main reasons, Jessie was kicked out was to protect Jake from Jessie’s bad influence.

In the scene, Jessie is telling Jake to stay clean because he’s going to make something of his life (unlike Jessie). It’s like the only kid their parents see is Jake. Jessie might as well be invisible.

“Are you kidding?” Jake says, “All mom and dad ever talk about is you.”

Everyone wants attention and recognition. Kids want to be recognized by their parents for their unique talents and achievements. As adults we want to be noticed and recognized by people we respect; our bosses, clients, friends, and family.

Although we’re always told the way to get that attention and recognition is to be exceptionally accomplished, in practice, the people who get the most attention are the “bad kids.”

I was a troublemaker in my family and it got me attention but it didn’t get me what I really wanted. That’s what what I’m writing about here.

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Day 15: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Asking “What’s Right About This?”

I have been in the habit of seeing what’s wrong about any situation, idea, thing, etc. for most of my life.

Why? I think there was a time when it was a “squeaky wheel gets the grease” strategy. Unhappy, misbehaving kids tend to get more attention than happy, obedient children.

And apparently, Enneagram 4’s tend to focus in on what’s wrong or missing. We’re more likely to be hard wired to “hope for the best but expect the worst.” If there was ever a recipe for a life of disappointment and regret, that’s it in a nutshell.

So what can I do to create a habit of seeing what’s right?

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