My main motivation for doing 30 days of radical forgiveness was inner peace. I was seeing how I used online shopping and other addictive behaviors as a way to suppress feelings of disappointment, resentment, depression, and anxiety, and I reasoned if many of those feelings were the result of grievances, especially toward myself, why not go right to the source?
But in addition to self-compassion and inner peace, one of the biggest gifts resulting from the radical forgiveness process is better relationships.
I’ve been skeptical of this benefit because I’ve been largely disappointed by most processes I’ve used to improve my relationships.
For many years I’ve been doing different things to deepen friendships and cultivate community but I’ve never gotten the results I most wanted. For example, I often find that despite my efforts, most friendships don’t go beyond a certain point. I also find it’s hard to maintain relationships even at that relatively superficial level.
I tended to blame this on:
- Most people don’t want close relationships. They think they do but they aren’t willing to take the risk and do the work.
- It’s hard to find people who do want those relationships.
- The processes that help you develop relationships are generally created by extroverts for extroverts and as an introvert I seem to lack the fortitude to get out and meet enough people to find the few who would be good friends.
I also perceived most communities, particularly online communities, to be stuck at the “getting to know you stage.” Most members seem interested only in showing off their expertise and trolling for leads. I’ve seen a lot of generous gestures and I’ve gotten so good advice but I rarely felt people were sharing what was really important to them.
Bringing this back to radical forgiveness, I believe the limitations I perceived in others were mostly reflections of my own perceived limitations. I have a couple reasons for this perspective:
- As I do the radical forgiveness process I see my friends and family approaching me with more appreciation and trust without me doing or saying anything to initiate this behavior. This is evidence that my beliefs and the way in which I am present has a strong effect on the way I experience my world.
- Since October, I’ve been listening to the audio version of How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age which is a rewrite of the 1936 original updated to apply Dale Carnegie’s original principles to relationship development online. One of the primary points in Dale Carnegie’s work is first be the friend you want to have…kind of a specific application of the Golden Rule. If you want trustworthy friends, be trustworthy with others. If you want others to sincerely engage with you, first engage sincerely with others. And so forth.
What keeps coming up is that I’m not the only one who desires more trust and authenticity in relationships. Nor am I the only one who feels at a loss about how to have more of those relationships. The Dale Carnegie book also talks about how social media is great for giving the perception that people are out there connecting but that those connections are often superficial and fragile. Not the kind of relationships that are any kind of foundation for creating community.
What now appeals most to me is to begin reaching out more in an authentic way while practicing radical forgiveness. Some of the things I’d like to do more are to become a better listener and to ask better questions so I can get to know people better.
I realize that although I’ve wanted to be a better listener and know about people, I’ve spent a lot of of time talking about myself and trying to make myself look good in the eyes of others.
I’d also like to let go of that subtle need for people to want to buy from me or hire me. Even when I go into interactions with people in which it is not my intention to sell something I still find myself feeling vaguely disappointed when someone doesn’t express an interest in either buying or introducing me to someone who might.
I especially dislike this side of myself because it reveals an extremely not-cool level of neediness…something I’m constantly trying to suppress for fear my friends and colleagues run screaming from the room. When I do my self-forgiveness work this part of my character is one of the first on my list to make peace with.
The benefit of the radical forgiveness process is it enables me to have and offer what it is that I’d like to receive from others. I can only give what I already have however much I may want things to be different.