Yesterday I completed the Radical Forgiveness process for another situation that was consuming a lot of my energy and thoughts.
The one situation that causes me more distress than just about any other is when I disappoint someone I respect and care about. I had some real concerns about whether the Radical Forgiveness process would “work” because my feelings were so intense at the time.
The Radical Forgiveness process breaks out into three parts:
- Telling the story from the victim perspective. (I need to forgive someone for doing something to me)
- “Collapsing” the story. In this section you spend some time reframing the story to see if there is a way to step out of being a victim. For example, looking at the facts and how I interpreted the facts. I also begin to consider that there may be a gift in what has happened and the nature of that gift.
- Radical Forgiveness. This is where I am able to actually tell the story from the perspective that there is perfection in what happened and to actually heal the hurts. This is where I go from being a victim to being fully healed.
As I did parts 1 and 2, I realized just how much emotional pain was triggered. So, so much! By the time I finished writing the story and writing about the emotions I was feeling I was pretty wound up energetically. I was absolutely open to the possibility of reframing the situation (which is really good because sometimes I’m reluctant to give up some old stories) but skeptical all that negativity could be shifted beyond feeling some relief from the intensity.
But as I finished part 2 and began part 3 I found myself letting go of the negative feelings and actually feeling peace and a desire for reconciliation. I was able to stop seeing myself as a victim and no longer had the urge (a really strong urge) to share my story with other people in order to get their sympathy and agreement.
One of the “requirements” for Radical Forgiveness to work is to really feel the feelings. Not gloss over them. Not say “it’s not so bad,” but really feel them fully. I was wondering whether I was letting myself do this because I can stuff feelings and say “I’m fine” because I don’t want to bring my shit into other situations.
But by the end of the process I actually felt slightly nauseous from all the anger and hurt and sadness that came up in the first part and I also felt a lot of relief. It felt like a really intense physical workout.
When I was complete I felt I had returned to a state of emotional equilibrium and as though I could ride up and down with whatever came at me. I went downstairs and spent the rest of the evening with my family.
So the “Huzzah” is because this process worked for me. It is a transformative process and in my case it enabled me to stop worrying over an upsetting situation to to be fully present for the remainder of the day. This is a great gift for me.
It isn’t what I would call a fun or easy process. It isn’t fun or easy feeling those feelings. I’m not feeling excited about going through the process again today to address a different issue.
I think, however, it will get easier because I’m not just venting…I’m healing so some of the emotions will become less daunting in time. There are also other tools I can use in addition to a written worksheet such as doing the process as drawings.
Finally there are rituals such as burning the written worksheets which I think will give me a greater sense of meaning and release.
I also want to look into groups and communities because I think this is a lot to take on alone. Having other people who are doing similar work to share my experiences with will help and I imagine other people will have some good ideas and suggestions to integrating the process more.
Today I’m delighted and celebrating what feels like an accomplishment that paid off in the best possible way.