Tag Archives: Radical Forgivness

Day 23: Radical Forgiveness – On “Staycation”


I haven’t posted anything for the last few days for a few reasons:

  1. Christmas and time spent with my family. Between wrapping gifts, cooking, tidying up and just hanging out, I haven’t had the blocks of time I like to have when I journal or do an exercise.
  2. Hit a “stopping point.” When I finished reading Radical Forgiveness and completed the forgiveness process three times, I had the sense of hitting a natural stopping point. It isn’t as though I’m “done.” This is the kind of work that is done over a lifetime.
  3. I also felt some resistance. I enjoyed reading Radical Forgiveness and although I wouldn’t say going through the forgiveness process is exactly “enjoyable”, I’ve definitely felt a sense of progress and forward movement. When I did the self-forgiveness worksheet, I didn’t find what I had experienced forgiving others to be directly applicable.

Colin Tipping wrote Radical Self-Forgiveness after writing Radical Forgiveness to address some of the challenges people were experiencing when trying to forgive themselves. Although I felt some resistance to buying another book (the reviews for the second book were more mixed than for the first book and this also contributed to my unease), I think the second book has some useful ideas that compliment the original Radical Forgiveness book.

I began reading Radical Self-Forgiveness today and I find myself agreeing with Colin Tipping:

  • The radical self-forgiveness process doesn’t feel as clear cut as the radical forgiveness process because it can feel confusing when it comes to “who’s actually doing the forgiving here?”
  • For this reason, it helps to better understand the different selves we each have as well as to understand there is a self representing the Divine within.
  • It also helps to identify parts of ourselves we’ve adopted from others but that don’t serve us. All those “shoulds” that kick our ass all the time. Maybe there are things we don’t even need to forgive so much as unload because it was never ours to begin with.

To that last point, I suddenly had this awareness of how I was feeling bad because I didn’t spend the holidays the way I “should” have. I didn’t reach out to anyone over the last few days; no phone calls, no emails, no cards…and although I’m not aware of any feelings of loneliness  or isolation…a little voice in me is giving me a hard time because that part of me feels it’s not OK to “keep to myself.”

I haven’t felt inspired to reach out. Usually if I’m inspired to reach out, I do.

This is an example of something that I might think I should forgive myself for when actually I’m just being myself.

Tomorrow I’m planning to do the exercises around how I define myself and what qualities I’m fine owning and what I can give back. I imagine I’ll also learn about the qualities I own which I don’t like about myself. Those are the things, I’m guess which require self-forgiveness.

On a final note, I’m wondering if I’ll want to extend my time practicing Radical Forgiveness. Quite possibly although I expect to do it parallel with the work I’ll be doing to find my “right work.”

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Day 14: Radical Forgiveness – One more thing


I’m still feeling tentative about this process. It’s a new habit and it feels fragile. Like my new won sense of peace and equilibrium could easily be upset. It feels like the crystals are just beginning to form and it wouldn’t take much to dissolve those little buds.

That’s why it’s important to keep doing this for 30 days and not stop today after an initial success.

There’s also a certain amount of comport and reassurance knowing that this process is always available. I feel more willing to take emotional risks than before knowing that one bad experience won’t send me spinning into “victim rumination mode.”

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December 17, 2014 · 6:12 pm

Day 9: Radical Forgiveness – Big Ones

Captain           Tritura            Leopardo

Those Big Bad Negative Beliefs that Kick My Ass

When I initially decided to practice radical forgiveness for 30 days I assumed I’d be doing one worksheet a day … or nearly so.

Instead I’ve found myself working on the same worksheet and on the same situation over the last 9 days.

The good news is that because most issues boiled down to a limited number of negative beliefs, by addressing one situation, I’m addressing a lot of others and I imagine it will be easier to go through some of the steps in the future as I get more familiar with the structure.

As I’ve been processing this stuff, I realized I have a few beliefs that kick my ass on a regular basis. Kind of like my “Book of Doom” because none of the situations in which these beliefs hold true have happy endings.

The biggies are:

  • I will never be compensated for my gifts and talents because there are so few people in this world that can remotely get the value, I’ll probably die before anything I do is appreciated on a wider scale.
  • There is only one way to succeed in this world .. at least in the small business/entrepreneur world and that is to “hustle your ass off nonstop”
  • A teeny tiny number of people have been successful without hustling their asses off. They just happened to do something that although not obviously marketable attracted a cult following. And btw I’m not one of those people because if I were I wouldn’t have struggled with the first two.

I know I’m not the only person who struggles with these particular issues but I’ve yet to meet anyone who has struggled and found a way to stop struggling.

The other day my husband asked me “Do you have any kind of plan?” It’s a fair question and all I could think was “I WISH!”

Because I really don’t have a plan. I used to make shit tons of plans and have SMART goals and I hit a lot of those goals. But looking back, very few of my achievements merited the energy it took to get there because I don’t think the logical, systematic way I went after my goals fit my personality or style.

As I contemplated my lack of plans and seeming inability to sell I rephrased the issues so I might consider them in a more expansive way. I wrote:

  • What’s wrong with being unable to make a decision?
  • What’s wrong with drifting?
  • What’s wrong with not wanting to have to grind away doing research and asking hundreds of questions to find the right job?
  • What’s wrong with not wanting to pick up the phone?
  • What’s wrong with not implementing some guru’s process if the process just doesn’t appeal to me in a visceral way?

Of course there are voice inside of me that are very good at answering these questions and telling me exactly what’s wrong.

My friend Lynn asked me, “what if you reworded your questions to ‘what’s right'”?

So reworded the questions are:

  • What’s right with being unable to make a decision?
  • What’s right with drifting?
  • What’s right with not wanting to have to grind away doing research and asking hundreds of questions to find the right job?
  • What’s right with not wanting to pick up the phone?
  • What’s right with not implementing some guru’s process if the process just doesn’t appeal to me in a visceral
  • What’s right with wanting to do what I love, make a difference, and get paid?

Whoa! This just blows my little mind!

This is a situation where I’m just going to allow myself to “live in the question” and see what floats up for me. And have some fun with the questions and maybe just come up with the silliest answers possible.

I’m learning the best way to handle big, badass beliefs is instead of challenging them to a wrestling match which I’m bound to lose, I’ll invite them out for a cup of coffee and some conversation.

Who knows what Captain Gladiator might have to share?

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Filed under Expansive Questions, Radical Forgiveness

Day 7: Radical Forgiveness


Lessons Learned for Healing

Part of the radical forgiveness process involves looking for patterns in the situation that made me unhappy.

What I’ve been looking at has been my tendency to hire a business coach to help me grow my business and sooner or later I find myself feeling let down by the person I hired. I end up having a hard time seeing the benefits I received and focus on how he or she failed to meet my expectations. I then come to the conclusion that I’m “doomed” to never have the kind of business I want.

In fact in some cases, I end up feeling downright antagonistic toward my former coach and it takes time for me to recover any warm, friendly feelings towards them.

The pattern I’m seeing is that:

  • Initially, I feel very excited about the new person I’m working with because they seem to be offering something: a process or way of looking at things or perhaps they’re going to teach me how to do something better that the last person missed the boat on. For example, last year I was feeling angry and disappointed because although the coach I worked with knew a lot of great strategies and skills, I felt he just didn’t get me.
  • I felt very understood and appreciated by my new coach and was excited by the opportunity to created a successful business based on me being myself rather than having to fit a particular mold.
  • Over time, I got to the point in which I felt I was “complete” with my coach and that I was no longer receiving anything I found particularly new or useful above and beyond what I had already received.
  • Rather than tell the coach how I felt, I continued to work with her because I always enjoyed the sessions and came away feeling like I had received benefits. I guess I found it challenging to articulate this because it felt like such a subtle issue. I would question the value of  my observations.
  • I began to feel resentful because  I wasn’t getting much for what i was paying and by the time the relationship ended, I was feeling a lot of resentment, disappointment, and frustration.

In addition, I’ve noticed that I tend to see new coaches as “the one who’s going to help me make the big breakthrough I need in order to finally be successful.”

I find myself hoping, even expecting that the coach is going to teach me that new process or create an opportunity for me to make money or introduce me to some key person who will help me get rich. I’ve sometimes used the analogy of “being discovered” like someone saying “wow, you should be a movie star,” and all it takes is a screen test and a few introductions and success is finally mine!

In reality, I’ve never experienced this kind of success. When I have been successful it’s never been because one person finally notices what I can do Even when I’ve been in situations in which one or more persons genuinely admire my abilities, it’s always temporary. In business, people are always moving on and maybe I have a great manager for a year or two and they leave or get promoted and replaced by someone who I don’t like working with.

It’s a childish desire but an understandable desire.

The point here isn’t to judge myself or make myself wrong but to ask the question, how is this current situation evidence that, even though I don’t know why or how, my soul created this particular situation in order that I learn and grow.

In radical forgiveness, Colin Tipping writes that the emotions we experience as the result of our problem are because our souls want us to heal and have the experience of unity.

In my case, the anger and bitterness I feel as the result of being let down by someone I wanted to trust is meant to help me learn that these situations are meant to help me heal and experience Divine love.

As I begin to see the higher wisdom at work I learn I am being guided from a place of Love and I can then

  • Let go of feeling like a victim (something unjust was done to me and I have no power to do anything to help myself).
  • Stop feeling as though I’m constantly moving through a war zone because instead of worrying and waiting to be hurt by someone else, I can feel safe that I can forgive the person or situation and move on.
  • When I am able to truly forgive. I can feel peace…even love and gratitude for the situation, all that negative energy dissipates and quite often the crazy-making behaviors or dynamics just stop without me having to do or say anything.

I’ve already noticed that today I a lot less anger or resentment.toward the person I was wanting to forgive. I am aware of some residual annoyance but it isn’t all consuming the way it was as recently as Monday.

I am aware of feeling some apprehension that this is a temporary respite and as soon as I talk to this person or hear their voice the anger and resentment will flare up again. However, it’s important to acknowledge that I’m feeling relief today.

Also I’m only about half-way through the steps and there is more to address the residual. Another thing to keep in mind is I haven’t yet done much to forgive my own part in the situation which I believe will also help because usually the reason there’s so much emotional charge is because the other person is doing something that reminds me of something in myself I can’t accept.

For example, I know I am almost obsessive about wanting to make good on the results I promise in my marketing. Although I can’t ever promise anything I find myself wanting to “be the hero” and wanting people to say, “Judy helped me double my sales…” I suppose I believe that once I have the evidence that I can consistently get results for other people, I can finally qualify for earning six-figures because I’m giving that value to me clients.

That last paragraph brings up a lot of interesting observations for me. For example, there are so many factors that contribute to successful clients: my own attitudes, my client’s attitudes toward success, my client’s willingness to do the work, etc. And ultimately, if I have issues accepting myself and valuing myself, chances are good those are the kind of clients I’ll attract and chances are also good that they aren’t going to do very well because they have they’re own issues that are holding them back.

One more observation worth making …

I forgot to mention, yesterday I had the realization that I wasn’t waking up in the morning filled with low-level apprehension. In the past I had noticed this was a constant issue: feeling this sense of dread and apprehension to the point it took real effort on my part to get myself out of bed.

I’m not waking up feeling like I can’t wait to get up and get going which for me is my ultimate goal (every day is like summer vacation) but it feels a lot better not to wake up feeling a sense of dread. I feel a lot more lightness in the mornings.

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Filed under Radical Forgiveness