There’s story I like that illustrates my style when it comes to asking for help.
There are three workers on a river.
The best worker asks for assistance the moment he notices the current getting faster and waves growing larger.
“There’s a waterfall up ahead. I’ll need some help.”
The average worker asks for assistance when he actually sees the waterfall up ahead and observes branches and other floating objects disappearing over the edge of the fall.
“”I see a waterfall, I need help!”
The very worst worker asks for assistance as his boat is going over the waterfall.
“Heeelp meee! Arghhh!”
I like to imagine myself as the best worker. The one who is proactive. The one who chooses an ounce of prevention over a pound of cure.
But the truth is, I’m usually the worst worker. I only ask for help after I’ve tried (unsuccessfully) a dozen or more ways of trying to do it by myself.
And then, only when I’m going over the edge and see the rocks coming up fast do I finally have the willingness to reach out and ask for help.
Asking for help is hard.
Loving the Illusion of Control
I know I love feeling that I’m in complete control of getting what I want. It starts so early.
I see toddlers all the time squirming in their parents arms crying “I want to do it.”
Autonomy and independence feels really good. It feels good to be powerful.
And I think technology has done a lot to extend our belief that we have control. I can do so many things on my own that previously required help from other people. I can deposit checks with my iPhone, I can buy just about anything and have it arrive at my front door in a few days, I can purchase a flight to Paris and make dinner reservations without ever having to talk to a real human being.
I can get tons of stuff done without ever having to walk out my front door.
It feels good at the end of the day to see all these things checked off on my to do list. I feel so productive!
But there are still limits to what I can do by myself.
Vulnerability and Humility
Inevitably, however, something comes up and I can’t do it by myself. Not that I won’t try to do it myself. Like the “Very Worst Worker” I may ignore my problem for a while. I may even try to fix it myself. But sooner or later, like the “Very Worst Worker” frantically paddling as her boat goes over the edge of the waterfall, I need to ask other people for help.
What’s the resistance about?
Two feelings come up for me that I hate having to feel:
1. Vulnerability. When I realize I can’t do it all by myself. Now I have to look at the reality of my situation and face my frailties and limitations.
I have to admit, “I can’t get what I want without getting help from other people.” I am not all powerful.
2. Humility. If I want to reach my goal, I need to ask other people for help and this means:
a. I have to admit to others that I don’t “have it all together.”
b. They could say “no” or not even respond to my request!
Both of these feel really uncomfortable to me because I so enjoy living in my little illusion bubble where everything is so tidy and predictable.
Who Am I Being When I Ask for Help?
The last thing I want to mention is when I wait until the last moment to ask for help, I tend to ask from a place of desperation and panic. Like the guy going over the edge of the waterfall, “Heellp meee …!!!” who is grabbing at anything to avoid hitting those rocks below.
On the one hand, people are more likely to help when they see you’re clearly in trouble. On the other hand, it gets old fast when you have a friend or co-worker who always waits until the last minute and then needs you to help them bail out. You start thinking, “Geez, dude maybe you should plan ahead a little.”
Growing My Capacity for Getting Help
I think learning to ask for help is a skill that I can improve with practice not unlike the way using weights can help us strengthen muscles.
This means I can build my ability by asking for help with small things rather than thinking I can suddenly mobilize my entire community to my cause overnight.
Getting help with small things is something I need to do some experimenting with because I’m uncomfortable asking even for small favors. It’s pretty daunting.