Every time I talk about my recovery or therapy or any type of self-improvement program, somewhere in the conversation, I’ll say something like, “I don’t want to feel those feelings.” The phrase “those feelings” seems to be a weird sort of shorthand that is universally understood but I’ve never heard anyone actually say what “those feelings” are in a way that really nails it for me.
I think at the heart of “those feelings” is the idea that I’m unworthy.
Unworthy to be loved. Unworthy to be a part of the family or tribe or team. Deemed to offer nothing of importance.
It’s the black terror every infant must feel when they’re wet or hungry or cold and that discomfort doesn’t go away and there’s an nonverbal understanding that “I need something and I don’t always get it.”
And at some point in our very early development, I imagine, we begin to try to understand why. In the small world of an infant or very young child where parents are almost godlike, it can only be because “I’m bad.”
I used to believe that there were things parents could do to eliminate this pain. My husband and I used to carry my infant son around in a snuggly so he’d always be close to us. But I’ve come to believe that this separation is part of the human experience and defines what we think of as “free will.”
Because at some point in our development, my development, I learned that that terrible sense of separation wasn’t so much about connection with another human being as it was my longing to connect with God. My ego, which I see as a servant whose purpose is primarily to insure my physical survival on earth does everything possible to make those feelings go away.
And in our culture which reflects the combined input of many egos tells us the answer is have more of what will solve the problem from the ego’s perspective: distract yourself or numb yourself. Neither of which work for any sustainable period of time (which makes for a thriving consumer economy).
What’s interesting for me is the lengths to which I’ll go to avoid this feeling.
In December last year I wrote about online shopping as a way I avoided my feelings. But it can really be anything at all:
- Spending hours messing around on Adobe Illustrator to create the perfect outline.
- Hair pulling.
- Too many margaritas.
- Too much junk food.
- Watching an entire television series over a period of two days.
- Picking lint off a sweater.
- Or simply obsessing about how wrong and bad other people are.
It’s Wack-a-Mole: deal with one addiction and another will pop up in it’s place.
That’s not to say it’s hopeless. The hope lies in when I realize my ego is once again trying to run things and I need to turn that responsibility over to my Higher Power.
The pain of separation and unworthiness doesn’t go away. I think it’s part of the standard operating equipment that comes with being human. It’s actually about choosing to focus on my heart and spirit the reality of which is unity. It’s about making that choice more often on a day to day, hour to hour basis.