I feel I’ve been “in transition” since last December when I realized I wasn’t sure what was next for my business and rather than force myself to choose something, anything to develop and monetize, I did nothing.
Prior to this, I always had projects “in queue” to work on. In fact I’ve consistently had clients to work with.
In some ways not pushing forward has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t like “sitting still.” I don’t like feeling as though nothing I’m doing is actually “counting” towards anything. Or if the things I’m doing are contributing, it’s not clear to me how they are making a difference.
Two things I’ve found challenging especially have been taking time to contemplate and doing things just because I enjoy doing them.
It’s challenging because there’s always stuff to do. When I woke up this morning, well actually just about every morning when I wake up, I feel anxiety and apprehension because I feel so unfocused!!
Again, I have plenty of things to do. De-cluttering my office and home is still a monster project. I could easily spend every minute today, tomorrow, and probably the next two months cleaning and organizing my office.
But what pulls at me is that I’m being a perfectionist and that my perfectionism is one of my ways to avoid quiet time and joy time.
I’ve also realized that although I talk a lot about having fun, and playing, I do very little of it.
I’m not even sure what I would actually do to just have fun!
The immediate prompting that came up for me after i wrote the sentence was “easy does it.” Meaning rather than making having fun being about spending a day on rollercoasters, could I spend an hour doing something I like?
“Taking it easy” is a new concept for me because most of the time when I commit to something I do with my whole body. I rarely dip my toe in to see if I like the water.
Another idea that has been on my mind this morning has been the notion that “life is happening.”
Because I know when I’m in transition, I tend to feel like my life is in some strange state of stasis while I’m waiting to have what I really want. It’s always been “when I finally …
- have a boyfriend
- have a “real” job
- get married
- have kids
- buy a house
- am making six-figures in my business
- am an empty nester
- etc, etc.
And it’s only after I’ve achieved the next thing that I can finally feel satisfied. I think this is one of the reasons transitions are so challenging for me.
At the same time, I’m finally beginning to realize that actually, no, life doesn’t go into any kind of stasis. That every minute that ticks by I’m one minute closer to my death. I’m not writing that to be morbid. It’s the truth.
I also have come to accept that there may very well be no “afterlife” in which my consciousness continues on. At least not in the form of “Judy.” And that I’m not going to be in some celestial heaven gazing down lovingly on earth. Or perhaps working some kind of divine interference on the planet. I’m not going to be someone’s fairy godmother.
If my essential energy carries on in some fashion I don’t think my life here is going to mean much. I believe whatever meaning my life here has is created while I’m here. After I’m dead, that adventure is over and done.
I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that the universe is too vast a place and that what happens here is a very small mote in the grand scheme. Funny that I had to expand and grow as a person to finally begin to hold this point of view.
And it doesn’t matter if I’m wrong. I think it’s far better to look at this life as mattering as much as possible and not assuming I can coast or blow things off until I finally get a crack at a life that really matters.
I’m finding it challenging this morning to write a lot. There are days when I write thousands of words. But that’s probably because I’m writing from my mind and my mind is a chatterbox. I’m writing more from my heart this morning and my heart doesn’t use words much and when it does it uses words very sparingly and directly.
What my heart wants most is connection to other hearts. Meaningful connection with other hearts in which the Divine spark is shared and appreciated. When that happens that is the joy for me. That is the real satisfaction and pleasure for me. I’m glad I’ll be meeting with Karen and Lynn later today because I have that with them. I’m lucky to have people in my life in which I consistently get to experience that connection.
I think it’s also why I’ve grown so tired of email and social media connections on the Internet. Because there is the promise of that connection but it’s is very rarely present.