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'/cache/'; $file_prefix = 'wp-cache-'; // Disable the file locking system. // If you are experiencing problems with clearing or creating cache files // uncommenting this may help. $wp_cache_mutex_disabled = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // Just modify it if you have conflicts with semaphores $sem_id = 1827405549; //Added by WP-Cache Manager if ( '/' != substr($cache_path, -1)) { $cache_path .= '/'; } $wp_cache_mobile = 0; $wp_cache_mobile_whitelist = 'Stand Alone/QNws'; $wp_cache_mobile_browsers = '2.0 MMP, 240x320, 400X240, AvantGo, BlackBerry, Blazer, Cellphone, Danger, DoCoMo, Elaine/3.0, EudoraWeb, Googlebot-Mobile, hiptop, IEMobile, KYOCERA/WX310K, LG/U990, MIDP-2., MMEF20, MOT-V, NetFront, Newt, Nintendo Wii, Nitro, Nokia, Opera Mini, Palm, PlayStation Portable, portalmmm, Proxinet, ProxiNet, SHARP-TQ-GX10, SHG-i900, Small, SonyEricsson, Symbian OS, SymbianOS, TS21i-10, UP.Browser, UP.Link, webOS, Windows CE, WinWAP, YahooSeeker/M1A1-R2D2, iPhone, iPod, Android, BlackBerry9530, LG-TU915 Obigo, LGE VX, webOS, Nokia5800'; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // change to relocate the supercache plugins directory $wp_cache_plugins_dir = WPCACHEHOME . 'plugins'; // set to 1 to do garbage collection during normal process shutdown instead of wp-cron $wp_cache_shutdown_gc = 0; $wp_super_cache_late_init = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // uncomment the next line to enable advanced debugging features $wp_super_cache_advanced_debug = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_text = ''; $wp_super_cache_front_page_clear = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_check = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_notification = '0'; $wp_cache_object_cache = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_anon_only = 0; $wp_supercache_cache_list = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_debug_to_file = 0; $wp_super_cache_debug = 0; $wp_cache_debug_level = 5; $wp_cache_debug_ip = ''; $wp_cache_debug_log = ''; $wp_cache_debug_email = ''; $wp_cache_pages[ "search" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "feed" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "category" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "home" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "frontpage" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "tag" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "archives" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "pages" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "single" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "author" ] = 0; $wp_cache_hide_donation = 0; $wp_cache_not_logged_in = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_clear_on_post_edit = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_hello_world = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_mobile_enabled = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_cron_check = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager ?> Ease – The Big Joy Project http://www.bigjoyproject.com Ideas and inspiration for living a joy-filled life Mon, 16 Feb 2015 22:28:22 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 https://i0.wp.com/www.bigjoyproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/BigJoy2-547dfc06_site_icon.png?fit=32%2C32 Ease – The Big Joy Project http://www.bigjoyproject.com 32 32 43270858 Day 27: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – The High Price of Avoidance http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-27-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-high-price-of-avoidance/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-27-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-high-price-of-avoidance/#respond Mon, 16 Feb 2015 22:28:22 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=815 Continue reading →]]> As I contemplate my circumstances, it’s clear that I’m here because I’ve been avoiding stuff.

I feel I’ve addressed the issue of avoidance before but I have a deeper awareness now of what I’ve been avoiding and why it’s important to stop avoiding.

What have I been avoiding? Reality. The reality? People in small business do things and I take those things to mean I don’t have value. It’s all about my ego. No actually, it’s all about focusing on my ego’s reaction which is valid but not that important.

It’s about my decision to give my ego’s response and interpretation meaning and allow that meaning to guide my decisions and actions.

At this point, I’m considering the following actions and haven’t yet tipped in favor on any one in particular:

Look at technical projects that sound interesting and that I’m qualified to work on. This action supports finding contract consulting work.

Talk with people about their marketing and messaging challenges. This action supports creating a business.

Doing some exercises to help me better articulate what exactly I’m looking for which would actually support both since if I can better articulate what I’m wanting, I’m open to different ways to having those things.

OK, based on the above, adding some words to articulate what I’m interested in sounds like the way to go.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-27-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-high-price-of-avoidance/feed/ 0 815 Day 23: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Unconditional Happiness http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-23-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-unconditional-happiness/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-23-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-unconditional-happiness/#respond Thu, 12 Feb 2015 19:47:22 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=812 Continue reading →]]> Yesterday I was listening to the Marianne Williamson’s Letting Go and Becoming and in particular, the part about how many of us make our happiness contingent on getting something we believe we lack.

That something can be just about anything: a relationship, a better job, a promotion. Or it could be about getting rid of something we believe is making our lives miserable: an impossible boss, taxes (especially this time of the year), an extra 20 pounds, etc.

As I was listening, it occurred to me that so often I’ll look back on a particular time in my life and think, “Wow, I had a lot to be happy about.” But during the time period I’m thinking of, I wasn’t very happy at all.

For example, I took two years off to get my MBA. I look back at this time now as one of the best in my life. But during those two years I would say I was rarely joyous.  I definitely had fun and had enjoyable moments, but I was always worried about my future and that had a big dampening effect on my happiness.

There are a variety of reasons people get advanced degrees like MBAs: a big one is the ability to earn more money. I worked in advertising: a field that doesn’t pay well especially at the lower levels. I wanted to be able to make enough to live on my own. Another big reason was to get a more satisfying job with advancement opportunities. As someone in the marketing profession, most large companies required an MBA to qualify for positions in brand management. I wanted better options.

So during the two years I was an MBA student, I constantly worried about getting a job after I graduated. I think getting a job probably occupied my thoughts at least 75% of the time. The classes I took, the part time jobs I had…even the people I hung out with to some degree was contingent on “Will this help me get a job off?”

The point is, because I was so focused on a future event, I didn’t enjoy the present much. As an example, I attended the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and Ann Arbor is a beautiful town. The campus itself is really cool and there are a lot of neighborhoods with old homes surrounded by large shade trees and gardens. I would often take long walks and even though part of me was enjoying the sights, in the back of my mind there was still that endless question beating away, “Will I get a job offer?”

If I wasn’t worrying about whether I’d get a job offer I was fantasizing about how it would be when I did get my job offer: the clothes I’d buy, where I’d live, the boyfriend I’d have, the cool things I’d accomplish, and the accolades I’d get.

I was in my head not in my life.

So this made me think, “What if the time I’m living in, right now, is a time I’ll look back at fondly and I’m not allowing myself to fully experience it because I’m so pre-occupied with getting what I don’t have?”

That’s a good question to ask because it gets me out of my head and reminds me to appreciate the present moment more no matter what is happening. Appreciating means slowing down. Taking a moment to notice how things look, smell, and taste. Noticing my emotions, good and bad.

Some good questions and ideas to be with today.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-23-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-unconditional-happiness/feed/ 0 812 Day 21: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Today is a Gift http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-21-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-today-is-a-gift/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-21-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-today-is-a-gift/#respond Tue, 10 Feb 2015 16:46:28 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=809 Continue reading →]]> Todayisagift

One of the things I wrote about yesterday was how I can find all kinds of ways to lapse into unconsciousness.

After I stopped shopping online, I discovered I could also lose huge chunks of time by trying to create the perfect image to represent an idea I wanted to write about.

I love the trading card design I created for the post about Lack or Love AND I spent most of the day making it. I love the image I created. It’s really cool. I’m going to use it as a template for one of my projects. Still, I feel as though I spent a fair amount of time being pretty obsessive-compulsive.

I think there’s a middle ground.

The image created for this post took me about 15 minutes using Photoshop. It’s my “good enough” image so I really can have more time today to experience the gift today is.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-21-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-today-is-a-gift/feed/ 0 809 Day 20: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Hitting the Wall & Finding Love http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-20-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-hitting-the-wall-finding-love/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-20-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-hitting-the-wall-finding-love/#respond Mon, 09 Feb 2015 19:46:13 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=804 Continue reading →]]> doorwaygrace

I started today by reading a selection from Rami Shapiro’s book, Recovery: the Sacred Art. This is one of my favorite books for spiritual practice because it captures a lot of what I’ve found to be true in a very simple way.

I also appreciate the gentle humor Rami uses. Addiction recovery and spiritual ideas can get really intense and serious and the humor in this book makes it easier to enter my day. Sometimes after an intense reading I feel like I’m emerging from a cave making it harder to step into the stream of everyday life.

Today I was reading about how events that feel like rude awakenings have been the most direct paths to getting what I wanted.

Hitting the Wall

Recovery: the Sacred Art is about recovering from addiction and Rami uses the 12-Steps (as in Alcoholics Anonymous) as his framework.

A lot of people have strong, negative responses to AA. The negativity seems to come down to people’s belief that AA is about calling yourself a “helpless addict.” It sounds people go to AA to cry “I give up” and crumple into helpless piles of mush. I know this was my initial reaction.

There’s a subtle but critical distinction though about what it means to “give up.” What I learned was “giving up” really means “I can’t do this by myself.”

This kind of giving up isn’t about giving up on life. It’s actually about giving up the way you’re trying to live life. It’s really about finally understanding that you can’t do it all and that actually not trying to do it all and control it all is a really good thing.

In the 12-Step Program people say you’ve “hit bottom” when you finally get this idea.

I create the wall image because for me a lot of the time it feels more like I’ve been driving at 60 miles and hour and I hit a brick wall full on. When I “hit the wall” like that there’s the feeling that there’s no where else to go. I’ve hit an obstruction so big and definite that I can’t talk my way out of it; my usual excuses and solutions don’t cut it.

As the phrase implies, “hitting the wall” (or hitting bottom) isn’t a pleasant experience but for me, it was necessary because I will stubbornly hold onto my beliefs until they are literally knocked out of me.

What MY Wall Was This Time

I’ve hit the wall several times in my life. And you know what? I’m LUCKY! I never ever thought I’d say this but I really do feel grateful for the times this has happened because only then do things really shift and change.

This time my wall was my belief that if I just attained a type and level of success through my business, it would make me the person I wanted to be! I believed for years that if I had a business that was predictably earning six-figures and I was the one who “made it all happen.” I would finally be “right.” I would be a person who deserved the success and love that I had.

I looked at living consciously as something that was nice to have but optional.

In the last two years I’ve found my tendency to live anywhere but in the present increasingly painful. Maybe it’s because I’m older and more aware that when I live life unconsciously I’m missing out on so much. It’s like eating a bag of chips while watching TV. 30 minutes later the bag is empty; the chips are gone and I don’t remember actually tasting the chips, eating them or even what happened in the show I was watching.

I guess when I became aware of how entire days were going by while i was on the Internet, that for me was my initial wake up call. Then, after I stopped Internet shopping, I began to notice how even though I wasn’t engaged in Internet shopping, I still did lots of things that kept me in an almost fugue state.

This for me has been the awareness that I hit bottom; I hit that brick wall. I ran out of excuses. I ran out of half measures (I can’t shop on the Internet but I can walk around with a running dialog in my head or I can spend 4 hours trying to create an image on Adobe Illustrator or play Mah Jong for 2 hours).

This can sound harsh and overly ascetic; like I have to live in a cave wearing a flour sack eating nothing but bread and water. That’s not what I mean. It just means I can’t bullshit myself anymore. It means I’m committed.

The Love Thing

A phrase I read today that I really like is: “God is in the present.” That’s why I added the open door that leads to love.

Because what happens when I hit the wall is I discover there’s a door in a wall that I forgot was there.

The door is access to God’s love.

Again this can sound pretty intense. It can also sound trite

In my experience, it’s a reminder that when I’m unconscious, I miss so much. What I miss can be as simple as not taking a moment to notice my cat sitting next to me and purring. It can be a great idea or a great way of expressing that idea. Twenty years ago, I met Michael and I don’t believe I would have noticed him much less fallen in love and married him if I’d been off in my little world of judgments and worries.

I don’t know what’s next. It doesn’t matter really. But this time I’m paying attention so I don’t rush past.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-20-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-hitting-the-wall-finding-love/feed/ 0 804 Day 18: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Love or Lack? http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-17-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-love-or-lack/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-17-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-love-or-lack/#respond Sat, 07 Feb 2015 17:06:37 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=797 Continue reading →]]> LackorLove

As I continue to define the kind of business I want to have and my purpose for having a business, the tool I’m finding most helpful is to ask myself periodically, am I doing this from a place of Love or a place of Lack?

I created this card as a prompt to keep asking this question because it’s so important.

How This Question Reduces Struggle

Sometimes I’ve observed other business owners who seem endlessly driven to top their last achievement. They always have something they’re promoting. You attend their teleseminar and they’re inviting you to a mega live event. At the mega live event you find out they have some kind of inner mastermind circle you can join.

I know some of this is the marketing funnel at work but I also wondered “Why?” because many of these entrepreneurs are making great money. They don’t need to run after anything anymore.

Of course if I can spot it, I’ve got it. I can ask this question of myself: What is driving me so hard? What do I feel compelled to chase?

And that’s when I know I’m in a place of lack and being driven by the perception of lack hasn’t served me very well.

Lack comes from my ego telling me “If you accomplish this one thing, you’ll be worthy. You’ll finally be enough.”

The problem is when I accomplish that goal, my ego always has something else lined up for me to do. In fact I’m often depressed and anxious if I don’t have something to chase.

I’m not saying there’s anything bad or wrong about wanting to achieve something worthwhile. In fact I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with chasing stuff. We all do what we do because at the time, it feels like our best option.

I’m saying, for me, I’d like to live my life more in a place of love than a place of lack because when I’m in a place of lack I feel like I’m struggling. I feel like a greyhound chasing a mechanical rabbit. Winning never gets me what I really want which is to feel like I’m enough. What I really want is to feel whole because when I feel whole I feel happy and my heart feels full.

Everybody has a hungry heart (thank you Bruce Springsteen). You can feed your heart the spiritual equivalent of Skittles or you can feed your heart a bowl of homemade chili. In one case, you’re still hungry and you have a sugar hangover in the other case you’re happy and content.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-17-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-love-or-lack/feed/ 0 797 Day 16: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – A Better Way to Get Attention http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-16-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-a-better-way-to-get-attention/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-16-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-a-better-way-to-get-attention/#respond Wed, 04 Feb 2015 21:50:45 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=791 Continue reading →]]> Indian Elephant

There’s a scene in the television show, Breaking Bad, where the character, Jessie is talking with his younger brother, Jake. Jessie was always the “bad kid”–not applying himself in school, doing drugs, and hanging out with a bad crowd. Eventually his parents do “tough love” and kick Jessie out.

Jake on the other hand is the the “good kid”–he’s only 12 but is already recognized as a star by his parents and teachers. In fact, one of the main reasons, Jessie was kicked out was to protect Jake from Jessie’s bad influence.

In the scene, Jessie is telling Jake to stay clean because he’s going to make something of his life (unlike Jessie). It’s like the only kid their parents see is Jake. Jessie might as well be invisible.

“Are you kidding?” Jake says, “All mom and dad ever talk about is you.”

Everyone wants attention and recognition. Kids want to be recognized by their parents for their unique talents and achievements. As adults we want to be noticed and recognized by people we respect; our bosses, clients, friends, and family.

Although we’re always told the way to get that attention and recognition is to be exceptionally accomplished, in practice, the people who get the most attention are the “bad kids.”

I was a troublemaker in my family and it got me attention but it didn’t get me what I really wanted. That’s what what I’m writing about here.

I used the example of Jessie and Jake because although my problems weren’t the same as Jessie’s my sisters can confirm I was the elephant in my family’s living room.

As I got older, I found that when I didn’t get the attention and appreciation I felt I deserved, I’d get resentful and from time to time I’d do or say something that got people’s attention and not in a good way.

I never did anything that got me fired from a job. More typically it would be an argument with my boss. Or I’d promise to do something important and I’d forget. Sometimes it would be an angry email or I’d get caught saying something mean.

I’d get attention alright but as a result of my actions I paid a high price: people lost their faith in me. And because I value integrity, it hurts me to the core when I act in a way that suggests I’m not to be trusted.

I’m not just talking about other people being able to trust ME. I’m talking about my ability to trust myself as well.

I feel the need to address this issue because I’ve become more aware of the damage I do to my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.

I’m typical of enneagram 4’s who have a deep desire to be appreciated for their unique contributions. I think most people like to be appreciated for what they achieve but enneagram 4’s really want to hear how they added unique value to the result.

If I don’t get what I want I’m very quick to go to my “doing something well isn’t going to make a difference, GRRR.” And without conscious thought or intention on my part, I do the elephant in the china shop thing.

To get attention in better ways I first need to catch myself before I act out of the emotions i’m feeling. Put simply, it means stopping and getting some emotional space so my ego can disengage. This is something I’m already doing and I’ve experience some real success.

But sometimes things build up and I’m hurting enough that I don’t catch myself in time. For this reason, I’m committed to getting support and reinforcement from other people. Having accountability and knowing other people care about my progress helps a lot.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-16-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-a-better-way-to-get-attention/feed/ 0 791 Day 15: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Asking “What’s Right About This?” http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-15-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-asking-whats-right-about-this/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-15-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-asking-whats-right-about-this/#respond Tue, 03 Feb 2015 17:58:42 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=788 Continue reading →]]> http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-photo-optimist-pessimist-cartoon-illustration-two-people-looking-glass-half-full-half-empty-image38753585

I have been in the habit of seeing what’s wrong about any situation, idea, thing, etc. for most of my life.

Why? I think there was a time when it was a “squeaky wheel gets the grease” strategy. Unhappy, misbehaving kids tend to get more attention than happy, obedient children.

And apparently, Enneagram 4’s tend to focus in on what’s wrong or missing. We’re more likely to be hard wired to “hope for the best but expect the worst.” If there was ever a recipe for a life of disappointment and regret, that’s it in a nutshell.

So what can I do to create a habit of seeing what’s right?

Here is what I’m doing:

I ask myself “what’s right about this situation?”

Then I think of as many things as I can that are positive. It doesn’t matter how small those things are.  For example, last night we were having problems with our Internet connection and couldn’t figure out what was going on.

Usually I relax in the evening by watching something on Netflix. My husband often joins me and I look forward to this time with him.

It would have been easy for me to have gone into an emotional tailspin about not having the Internet. I can really freak out over things like that.

Instead I asked myself, “What’s right about this?” I thought of all the things that were positive. For example:

  • I had two movies I could watch on my iPhone.
  • I had a good book to read.
  • I could put on my leopard print flannel pajamas and read.
  • We had electricity which meant we had heat and on a cold winter night, a warm house is wonderful.
  • Electricity also meant I could easily read my book.
  • I could pop some microwave popcorn which is my favorite snack and eat it while I watch one of the movies.
  • I could even read in bed!
  • I couldn’t do any work really, so I could let my son use my computer so he could edit a video he created for a class.
  • I got to bed at a reasonable hour (I often end up staying up late watching shows on Netflix).
  • I didn’t have a glass of wine with dinner or eat junk food (again I want to cut back on alcohol and junk food).

So it ended up being a great night instead of one filled with trauma and drama.

Continuing to Check in with Myself Emotionally

I can go through an entire day feeling vaguely anxious and depressed without even realizing that’s what I’m feeling.

My intention is to check in on an hourly basis and take an emotional temperature reading. And if I’m feeling those low level emotions, to ask “what am I thinking?” “what’s really going on below?” This is because so often my vague emotions are the public face of a deeper sadness or fear and by looking at the underlying emotions, I can heal and let go.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-15-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-asking-whats-right-about-this/feed/ 0 788 Day 14: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Ideas for Self-Appreciation http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-14-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-ideas-for-self-appreciation/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-14-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-ideas-for-self-appreciation/#respond Mon, 02 Feb 2015 18:35:44 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=784 Continue reading →]]> monsters and cupcakes

I asked my coach, Lynn Ellis, to share some creative ideas for appreciating my strengths as an Enneagram 4.

Here are a few of my favorites:

  • Start your day with an affirmation – for example, “Let me explore today’s possibilities”.
  • Think of all the little things that bring you pleasure.
  • Make a list of all things you like about yourself.
  • Contemplate the idea of suffering. Is it noble in some way? What if you didn’t have to suffer on your way to feeling good?
  • Observe others’ behavior without making any interpretations. For example, when you observe someone frowning, instead of interpreting the behavior to mean he or she is frustrated, angry, or sad – just notice and accept that he or she has a frown on her face. You might even ask – what is causing you to frown?
  • Ground yourself every day by taking a walk and while you do, keep your mind completely clear; simply walk, being in the moment and noticing everything around you.
  • Try a new activity you’ve wanted to do but didn’t have the time or nerve to experience.

And these are some ideas that I had after reading Lynn’s

  • Make a list of things I’ve always wanted to do and do one of those activities every week.
  • Keep a running list of things that inspire me (which was one of the intentions behind this blog!)
]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-14-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-ideas-for-self-appreciation/feed/ 0 784 Day 12: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – The Specialness Issue http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-12-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-specialness-issue/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-12-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-specialness-issue/#respond Sat, 31 Jan 2015 19:23:19 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=777 Continue reading →]]> SpecialnessFairy

Yesterday, a friend forwarded a promotion to me from a coach we both knew. The cost of this coach’s program was in the thousands of dollars; a far higher price than I’ve ever considered charging.

But it wasn’t just what this coach was charging. Hearing the coach’s name, I’ll call her “Iris” brought up all kinds of feelings and memories for me. None of the them good ones.


I learned about Iris because several other coaches I hung out with were big fans.

Iris had a blog and it was filled with her quirks and idiosyncrasies. Iris made up words and used metaphors with a kind of confidence that suggested to me that she was entirely certain of her specialness. Kind of saying, “Oh course I have wings and ride a unicorn, why not?”

Even worse, “Of course, I charge thousands of dollars to work with me. I know I’m worth it.”

This triggered a lot of big time envy on my end.

It seemed so unfair. I was special, too! But I was filled with so much doubt that others saw any value in what i had to offer that I wouldn’t dare try what Iris did.

It’s not that I lacked the talent and quirkiness. it’s that I doubted anyone would be interested in what I was offering.

I envied Iris’ belief in herself. Her belief in her fundamental worth. Her chutzpah.

And this is the obstacle of “specialness.” Not only do I find myself needing to be special but to be the most special and to be recognized by others as such. Should another person, like Iris, challenge me for that place my feelings immediately go into a dark place.

Why such a strong negative response? I’m back to abandonment. People will abandon me in favor of the more “special one.”

I’m writing about this because obviously Iris is not the only one who has brought up these feelings. She’s not the last person who will either.

And I don’t want to spend my life either:

  1. Feeling as though I’ve stepped on a land mind every time life brings another iris my way. It’s similar to having post traumatic stress where overtime you meet one of these persons your emotions yell “Incoming!”
  2. I don’t want to spend my life avoiding the Irises of the world which is how I’ve been living lately. For a while things have been so painful that I just withdrew and said “the fuck with this.”

The first thought which is an easy thing to do is is to go through the radical forgiveness process with Iris and radical self forgiveness on myself.

The second idea is to remember to do confine this issue to me and not make it about another person which immediately opens up that nest of emotional vipers.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-12-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-specialness-issue/feed/ 0 777 Day 9: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Breaking Out of the Rejection Avoidance Trap http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/#respond Wed, 28 Jan 2015 21:06:08 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=772 Continue reading →]]> dealing-with-rejection2

No one enjoys rejection but I seem to go out of my way to avoid rejection.

I didn’t always see myself this way. I used to see myself as more in the middle when it came to handling situations in which rejection was likely. I’ve experienced quite a bit of rejection and I’ve always been able to bounce back.

But in retrospect I’m not sure I’ve bounced back. I think what I’ve really been doing is using some old coping tricks which work to a degree but have also kept me stuck and, in a way, imprisoned.

Which naturally raises the question, why would anyone willingly keep themselves in imprisoned?

It Always Comes Back to Fear

In my case, it comes back to fear. Fear of abandonment.

Every small child experiences abandonment. Not actual abandonment when the child is abandoned by his or her family and left alone. An infant can feel abandoned when it needs something and doesn’t receive it quickly enough.

When my son was an infant, he cried when we put him down by himself. My husband and I joked that we literally wore our son in his snuggly because when he was awake, he needed to be close to us in that way. I now feel a little guilty because in an effort to get him to sleep in his crib alone, we put him in his crib and let him cry until he fell asleep.

We were relieved that he stopped crying after 20-minutes and feel asleep. Twenty minutes doesn’t seem like a very long time who can say how 20-minutes feels to a newborn?

Although I can’t say how it felt for my son, I can only speak from my own experience, for me, abandonment is a feeling so intense, I lose all sense of reality. The best description I have is it’s like being swallowed whole by blackness, terror, and despair.

There is a sense of the implacable: that there is no appeal and there is no hope. There is only this endless dark.

I’m not writing this to say I was a terrible mom or that anyone who doesn’t immediately attend to their crying baby is a bad parent. I think it’s part of being human and the human experience to experience abandonment. In fact, one of the gifts I got from my own abandonment pain was to experience a spiritual awakening in my early 30’s and that set my life on an entirely different trajectory.

A New Level of Letting Go

The term “spiritual awakening” sounds like one day you’re asleep and the next day you’re awake and that’s it; you’re enlightened and done with the mundane struggles of life.

In my experience, there are levels of unconsciousness I’ve discovered over time and I didn’t know I wasn’t conscious until I discovered that something I was doing to cope wasn’t working any more.

Trying to create a successful business has been my catalyst this time round. I tried so many things to make my business successful. To make myself a success. And none of them worked in a way that was sustainable or satisfactory for me.

I’ve realized that my fear if rejection has been the impediment to having a successful business. In fact my fear of rejection has been an impediment to having a lot of things I’ve wanted.

I put so much energy into avoiding rejection and because I’m pretty smart, I’ve come up with some very clear ways. I think of all kinds of reasons why I’m not ready to do this thing or that thing.

In the past when I got stuck in this way, I’d eventually get so impatient with myself that I’d make myself “eat the frog.”  I’d get on the phone and call people and apply for jobs. I’d “get out there” and eventually I’d get the job  or I’d get a client and then I’d breath a sigh of relief “I don’t have to be out there anymore,” and get on with my life.

Kind of like my life wasn’t actually happening while I was out there searching (and experience disappointment and rejection) and now that I’d “found” what I was looking for, I was “done” and now my life was actually “being lived again.” Like the part of my life when I’m unhappy and don’t have what I want doesn’t count or something.

Rather than fully experiencing the feelings of abandonment, sadness, fear, etc. I kind of focus my attention on the future when “everything is right and I’m finally happy.”

I guess given the way abandonment can feel, it’s not surprising that I’ve devoted a large part of my life to avoiding anything that might lead to rejection (and what is rejection but a reminder of abandonment).

It’s not surprising that I’m something of a control freak. If on “on top of everything,” I can avoid ever feeling powerless.

The irony here is that my pursuit of control becomes it’s own trap because I can never really control much in life at all. I can only learn to navigate, ride the waves.

Mindfulness and Meditation

What I’ve felt most drawn to lately has been to practice mindfulness and meditation regularly.

Mindfulness requires attention to the present moment and I feel that it is only in the present moment that I can know my Truth. Anything else only conjecture and speculation.

The Truth when I experience it is I cannot be abandoned because there is no separate self to be abandoned. This is a Spiritual Truth for me. My soul and spirit cannot be abandoned.

There are two simple activities I’m using to deal with my fears and to get unstuck.

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