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Today my plan was to use the Radical Self Acceptance process on the quality of introversion.

I often blame my introversion for holding me back from “greatness.” If I were only more outgoing and more motivated to “get out there” I would have been more successful, sooner.

Just as I began the process, an image popped into my mind that made me realize there was a bigger issue.

The image was of me shortly after a client gives me the good news that they want to hire me. It was of me with a worried look on my face thinking, “Can I actually do what I just agreed to?”

In fact, I was thinking not long ago that the best part of my work tends to be the time between when we agree to work together and the time I actually begin doing the work. I felt really sad because I feel quite often this is true for me.

Because I don’t believe I’ll measure up to what others expect of me. I certainly want to measure up. But deep down inside there’s a little voice saying, uh oh, here you go again.

What is it?!

Here’s what I realized: I believe I’m not enough to have the success I want.

Why? I can offer all kinds of reasons: I’m not outgoing enough, I’m too old, I lack expertise, clients don’t get results when they work with me, etc. But I think the real reason is based on some ideas I got when I was about two-years old and I never bothered to do a reality check so the idea has turned into a pretty strong belief.

When I was a little older than two, my sister was born. I vividly remember the night she came home and feeling really upset because I couldn’t believe my parents would rather spend time with that crying, hairy little thing.

But as anyone who has younger siblings knows, yes, actually, your parents did want to spend time with your newborn brother or sister. In fact, it often seems like they prefer your newborn sibling to you!

My grandmother stayed over that night and she said I could sleep with her which for me felt like a treat. My grandmother was very affectionate and fun and she helped me feel better. But I still found myself feeling cast off.

The message my two-year old self took to heart was “You just weren’t enough so we got a new child.”

And if one sister wasn’t bad enough, when I was six, a second baby sister arrived!! If felt like, “Just in case you have any doubts about whether you’re enough, we’re having another daughter because you’re just not cutting it.”

I know lots of people who loved their new baby brother or sister and felt like their parents had provided them with a new playmate. Kind of like getting a new puppy but even better.

And to make it clear, both of my sisters are great women. I think the world of them.

But for me, at the age of two, it felt traumatic. The two-year old me came up with an explanation that couldn’t help but make me feel insecure and anxious.

I don’t know what my parents did or didn’t do that lead me to feel this way. My parents did their best and for the most part they did a pretty good job raising us. Actually, the reason doesn’t matter at this point.

Why this matters is it explains a lot of crazy choices and behavior on my part.

The challenge now is to remove the energy from this belief and replace it with something that’s true and that supports me.

So I’m going to do the Radical Self-Acceptance process on this idea that I’m “not enough.”

 

 

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-30-radical-forgiveness-the-imposter-syndrome/feed/ 0 734 Day 28: Radical Forgiveness: Radical Self-Acceptance http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-28-radical-forgiveness-radical-self-acceptance/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-28-radical-forgiveness-radical-self-acceptance/#respond Thu, 01 Jan 2015 22:48:04 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=729 Continue reading →]]> HidingBehindSkirts2

Up until pretty recently, the idea of loving or even accepting myself “as is” has been something I just couldn’t “grok.”

I grew up on the idea of “self-improvement.” That I was flawed. My flaws, by definition were fundamentally unacceptable, and my life’s work was changing all of those unacceptable elements into things I would like. So personal happiness and fulfillment is all about changing what I don’t like into what I do like so that I become a person I can like.

This all seems to make sense.

Well, it makes sense on one level. In the physical world in which we all spend most of our time and what we’re most aware of. On this level, it’s more or less a “make-over.”

But if you are open to other levels of reality…let’s say there’s also a spiritual reality. The spiritual reality is one that can’t be perceived by our five senses but can be perceived in other ways. Our emotions and thoughts can play in this space. Not everyone believes this and people who do believe in a spiritual reality often don’t agree of the nature of this reality. Some people think the world of spirits is a place of rewards and punishments where we’re being judged while we’re alive and where our souls go when we die.

For a long time, I’ve believed that the world of the spirit is one  of a loving higher power and in this world we can experience what I believe is the truth about our human experience: that there is no true separation between ourselves nor is there separation with this higher power. I like to believe that our journey in life is to learn to see this reality more and more and by doing so, we experience more joy and begin to see the contributions we are really making.

This isn’t to say that what we (I) do in the physical world isn’t important. It is. But without considering the spiritual, I have an incomplete understanding. And, quite frankly, it’s hard to be happy just based on material success. At some point, more accomplishments, money, and stuff, stops being very satisfying. I mean, how much do any of us really need to prove? And how much do we really need to have?

So from this perspective, I’ve started to realize that while it’s fine to want to change my behaviors and beliefs, trying to change my essential nature can only make me miserable.

For a while I was focusing on shifting my beliefs because I think this is an area that really trips me up. But lately, I’ve been more intrigued by the idea of starting with self-acceptance.

Why? Well, for one thing, a lot of the things that make me unhappy are my negative s judgments about other people. I’ve been aware for a long time that the articles I’ve been writing have an underlying resentful tone. No matter how hard I try to edit out the resentment and frustration, it seeps out energetically. I think I have good things to say. There are a lot of things I see in the world and in my area of work, marketing and business communication, that are really cool and I want to share my thoughts about these things.

But I’ve gotten cautious because there are parts of myself that need to be seen and until I see these parts of myself and acknowledge them, they’re going to sneak out and be subversive.

So this takes me to the idea of Radical Self-Acceptance. Radical Self-Acceptance is a part of Radical Self-Forgiveness. There are two issues most of us struggle with: forgiving ourselves for things we’ve done that we feel guilty about and accepting parts of ourselves that we believe are unacceptable.

The two elements are related so it’s not always one thing or the other. But I find myself especially interested in Radical Self-Acceptance because for most of my life I’ve been more or less waging a war against various parts of myself and this war is what “getting in your own way,” is all about!

It felt really good to write that last sentence by the way. Because I’ve known forever that I’m my own worst enemy but what the hell does that actually mean? And how the hell do you take action to “fix” the problem? I’ve tried a lot of stuff and nothing has worked very well.

Because Radical Forgiveness has worked so well, I’m up for doing some Radical Self-Acceptance to see if I can have more peace with who I am as a human being.

One insight I’ve already had is how a lot of my negative beliefs are attached to some pretty harsh s judgments about myself.

I created the picture of the little girl hiding behind her mother’s skirts because that’s always been me. If I wasn’t hiding behind my mother’s skirt (which became impractical after a certain age) I was looking for someone else in charge to hide behind.

One particularly harsh  judgment I have about myself is that I can’t be successful because I’m too introverted and reclusive. Keep in mind this isn’t about me saying, hiding all the time is a constructive thing to do. What I’m saying is it’s important to separate the behavior from the being.

If I say, “I suck because I’m shy and I don’t deserve to be successful,” I’m not accepting myself. I’m hating myself. I’m setting myself up for struggling and inner conflict. And no matter what anyone else tells me, I’m not going to believe it because deep down inside I’m pretty convinced that I suck.

So the next step is to look at this with kindness and compassion and remove judgment. Something I’m in process with at the moment.

Be interesting to see if there are any positive shifts in the next few days.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-28-radical-forgiveness-radical-self-acceptance/feed/ 0 729 Day 26: Radical Forgiveness http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-26-radical-forgiveness/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-26-radical-forgiveness/#respond Tue, 30 Dec 2014 19:49:02 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=725 Continue reading →]]> Selfies

I haven’t been actively doing a lot of forgiveness exercises because I’ve been reading more about self-forgiveness, specifically, about all the “selves” that fall into “self.”

I often hear people talking about having different parts of themselves. Most commonly people talk about their “inner critic” and “giving myself a hard time.” Sometimes someone will also say, “I’m the one getting in my way.”

These are good examples of those other parts of ourselves.

What I’ve discovered so far is:

  • We all have parts of ourselves that we’ve disowned in order to get along better with other people. For example, I often tone down my creative side when I’m working with people who are focused on doing things in a logical, step-by-step way.
  • I was happy to realize how much progress I’ve made when it comes to rediscovering and integrating those parts of myself. It’s been fun and exciting to remember the things I loved doing when I was a kid.
  • There are still things I push down but I see myself making a lot of progress.
  • I don’t have any regrets about the way I’ve lived my life. That’s good too. I feel like I’ve usually done my best with what I knew at the time. Also, the things I might regret have ended up working out for the best.

This is encouraging.

Tomorrow I’m going to be reading about my “shadow” self and my “sabotage” self. I’m really curious and kind of excited to learn about these because these are parts of me that have kicked my ass in the past. I’m excited about the possibility of “diffusing” these selves. Not getting rid of. These are parts of me that have served a purpose in the past. It would be like saying, “I want to cut off my nose.”

But I would like to be able to say, “Thank you for doing what you did because you were wanting to protect me. I’m not going to need you anymore, you can go now.” More like, leaving these selves behind me as we leave old beliefs and habits behind that no longer serve us.

I really can’t wait to learn more!

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