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'/cache/'; $file_prefix = 'wp-cache-'; // Disable the file locking system. // If you are experiencing problems with clearing or creating cache files // uncommenting this may help. $wp_cache_mutex_disabled = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // Just modify it if you have conflicts with semaphores $sem_id = 1827405549; //Added by WP-Cache Manager if ( '/' != substr($cache_path, -1)) { $cache_path .= '/'; } $wp_cache_mobile = 0; $wp_cache_mobile_whitelist = 'Stand Alone/QNws'; $wp_cache_mobile_browsers = '2.0 MMP, 240x320, 400X240, AvantGo, BlackBerry, Blazer, Cellphone, Danger, DoCoMo, Elaine/3.0, EudoraWeb, Googlebot-Mobile, hiptop, IEMobile, KYOCERA/WX310K, LG/U990, MIDP-2., MMEF20, MOT-V, NetFront, Newt, Nintendo Wii, Nitro, Nokia, Opera Mini, Palm, PlayStation Portable, portalmmm, Proxinet, ProxiNet, SHARP-TQ-GX10, SHG-i900, Small, SonyEricsson, Symbian OS, SymbianOS, TS21i-10, UP.Browser, UP.Link, webOS, Windows CE, WinWAP, YahooSeeker/M1A1-R2D2, iPhone, iPod, Android, BlackBerry9530, LG-TU915 Obigo, LGE VX, webOS, Nokia5800'; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // change to relocate the supercache plugins directory $wp_cache_plugins_dir = WPCACHEHOME . 'plugins'; // set to 1 to do garbage collection during normal process shutdown instead of wp-cron $wp_cache_shutdown_gc = 0; $wp_super_cache_late_init = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // uncomment the next line to enable advanced debugging features $wp_super_cache_advanced_debug = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_text = ''; $wp_super_cache_front_page_clear = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_check = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_notification = '0'; $wp_cache_object_cache = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_anon_only = 0; $wp_supercache_cache_list = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_debug_to_file = 0; $wp_super_cache_debug = 0; $wp_cache_debug_level = 5; $wp_cache_debug_ip = ''; $wp_cache_debug_log = ''; $wp_cache_debug_email = ''; $wp_cache_pages[ "search" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "feed" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "category" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "home" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "frontpage" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "tag" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "archives" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "pages" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "single" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "author" ] = 0; $wp_cache_hide_donation = 0; $wp_cache_not_logged_in = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_clear_on_post_edit = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_hello_world = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_mobile_enabled = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_cron_check = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager ?> Fun! – The Big Joy Project http://www.bigjoyproject.com Ideas and inspiration for living a joy-filled life Sat, 01 Aug 2015 01:29:20 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://i0.wp.com/www.bigjoyproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/BigJoy2-547dfc06_site_icon.png?fit=32%2C32 Fun! – The Big Joy Project http://www.bigjoyproject.com 32 32 43270858 Kute Koalas http://www.bigjoyproject.com/kute-koalas/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/kute-koalas/#respond Sat, 01 Aug 2015 01:29:20 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=916 Continue reading →]]> I’m not usually into drawing cute animals. But this was the lesson for today.

Fuzzy balls:

FuzzyBalls

And a kute koala with disproportionately large ears. He’s asking “Why did you make my ears so big, mate?” I added the “mate” because koalas are from Australia and I assume they’re thoughts would be in Aussie lingo.

Kute_Koala_Bears

 

If would be fun to draw some “badass” Koalas in biker gear. I may do that if I have time this weekend.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/kute-koalas/feed/ 0 916 Day 15: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Asking “What’s Right About This?” http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-15-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-asking-whats-right-about-this/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-15-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-asking-whats-right-about-this/#respond Tue, 03 Feb 2015 17:58:42 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=788 Continue reading →]]> http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-photo-optimist-pessimist-cartoon-illustration-two-people-looking-glass-half-full-half-empty-image38753585

I have been in the habit of seeing what’s wrong about any situation, idea, thing, etc. for most of my life.

Why? I think there was a time when it was a “squeaky wheel gets the grease” strategy. Unhappy, misbehaving kids tend to get more attention than happy, obedient children.

And apparently, Enneagram 4’s tend to focus in on what’s wrong or missing. We’re more likely to be hard wired to “hope for the best but expect the worst.” If there was ever a recipe for a life of disappointment and regret, that’s it in a nutshell.

So what can I do to create a habit of seeing what’s right?

Here is what I’m doing:

I ask myself “what’s right about this situation?”

Then I think of as many things as I can that are positive. It doesn’t matter how small those things are.  For example, last night we were having problems with our Internet connection and couldn’t figure out what was going on.

Usually I relax in the evening by watching something on Netflix. My husband often joins me and I look forward to this time with him.

It would have been easy for me to have gone into an emotional tailspin about not having the Internet. I can really freak out over things like that.

Instead I asked myself, “What’s right about this?” I thought of all the things that were positive. For example:

  • I had two movies I could watch on my iPhone.
  • I had a good book to read.
  • I could put on my leopard print flannel pajamas and read.
  • We had electricity which meant we had heat and on a cold winter night, a warm house is wonderful.
  • Electricity also meant I could easily read my book.
  • I could pop some microwave popcorn which is my favorite snack and eat it while I watch one of the movies.
  • I could even read in bed!
  • I couldn’t do any work really, so I could let my son use my computer so he could edit a video he created for a class.
  • I got to bed at a reasonable hour (I often end up staying up late watching shows on Netflix).
  • I didn’t have a glass of wine with dinner or eat junk food (again I want to cut back on alcohol and junk food).

So it ended up being a great night instead of one filled with trauma and drama.

Continuing to Check in with Myself Emotionally

I can go through an entire day feeling vaguely anxious and depressed without even realizing that’s what I’m feeling.

My intention is to check in on an hourly basis and take an emotional temperature reading. And if I’m feeling those low level emotions, to ask “what am I thinking?” “what’s really going on below?” This is because so often my vague emotions are the public face of a deeper sadness or fear and by looking at the underlying emotions, I can heal and let go.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-15-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-asking-whats-right-about-this/feed/ 0 788 Day 14: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Ideas for Self-Appreciation http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-14-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-ideas-for-self-appreciation/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-14-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-ideas-for-self-appreciation/#respond Mon, 02 Feb 2015 18:35:44 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=784 Continue reading →]]> monsters and cupcakes

I asked my coach, Lynn Ellis, to share some creative ideas for appreciating my strengths as an Enneagram 4.

Here are a few of my favorites:

  • Start your day with an affirmation – for example, “Let me explore today’s possibilities”.
  • Think of all the little things that bring you pleasure.
  • Make a list of all things you like about yourself.
  • Contemplate the idea of suffering. Is it noble in some way? What if you didn’t have to suffer on your way to feeling good?
  • Observe others’ behavior without making any interpretations. For example, when you observe someone frowning, instead of interpreting the behavior to mean he or she is frustrated, angry, or sad – just notice and accept that he or she has a frown on her face. You might even ask – what is causing you to frown?
  • Ground yourself every day by taking a walk and while you do, keep your mind completely clear; simply walk, being in the moment and noticing everything around you.
  • Try a new activity you’ve wanted to do but didn’t have the time or nerve to experience.

And these are some ideas that I had after reading Lynn’s

  • Make a list of things I’ve always wanted to do and do one of those activities every week.
  • Keep a running list of things that inspire me (which was one of the intentions behind this blog!)
]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-14-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-ideas-for-self-appreciation/feed/ 0 784 Day 12: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – The Specialness Issue http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-12-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-specialness-issue/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-12-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-specialness-issue/#respond Sat, 31 Jan 2015 19:23:19 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=777 Continue reading →]]> SpecialnessFairy

Yesterday, a friend forwarded a promotion to me from a coach we both knew. The cost of this coach’s program was in the thousands of dollars; a far higher price than I’ve ever considered charging.

But it wasn’t just what this coach was charging. Hearing the coach’s name, I’ll call her “Iris” brought up all kinds of feelings and memories for me. None of the them good ones.


I learned about Iris because several other coaches I hung out with were big fans.

Iris had a blog and it was filled with her quirks and idiosyncrasies. Iris made up words and used metaphors with a kind of confidence that suggested to me that she was entirely certain of her specialness. Kind of saying, “Oh course I have wings and ride a unicorn, why not?”

Even worse, “Of course, I charge thousands of dollars to work with me. I know I’m worth it.”

This triggered a lot of big time envy on my end.

It seemed so unfair. I was special, too! But I was filled with so much doubt that others saw any value in what i had to offer that I wouldn’t dare try what Iris did.

It’s not that I lacked the talent and quirkiness. it’s that I doubted anyone would be interested in what I was offering.

I envied Iris’ belief in herself. Her belief in her fundamental worth. Her chutzpah.

And this is the obstacle of “specialness.” Not only do I find myself needing to be special but to be the most special and to be recognized by others as such. Should another person, like Iris, challenge me for that place my feelings immediately go into a dark place.

Why such a strong negative response? I’m back to abandonment. People will abandon me in favor of the more “special one.”

I’m writing about this because obviously Iris is not the only one who has brought up these feelings. She’s not the last person who will either.

And I don’t want to spend my life either:

  1. Feeling as though I’ve stepped on a land mind every time life brings another iris my way. It’s similar to having post traumatic stress where overtime you meet one of these persons your emotions yell “Incoming!”
  2. I don’t want to spend my life avoiding the Irises of the world which is how I’ve been living lately. For a while things have been so painful that I just withdrew and said “the fuck with this.”

The first thought which is an easy thing to do is is to go through the radical forgiveness process with Iris and radical self forgiveness on myself.

The second idea is to remember to do confine this issue to me and not make it about another person which immediately opens up that nest of emotional vipers.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-12-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-the-specialness-issue/feed/ 0 777 Day 9: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Breaking Out of the Rejection Avoidance Trap http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/#respond Wed, 28 Jan 2015 21:06:08 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=772 Continue reading →]]> dealing-with-rejection2

No one enjoys rejection but I seem to go out of my way to avoid rejection.

I didn’t always see myself this way. I used to see myself as more in the middle when it came to handling situations in which rejection was likely. I’ve experienced quite a bit of rejection and I’ve always been able to bounce back.

But in retrospect I’m not sure I’ve bounced back. I think what I’ve really been doing is using some old coping tricks which work to a degree but have also kept me stuck and, in a way, imprisoned.

Which naturally raises the question, why would anyone willingly keep themselves in imprisoned?

It Always Comes Back to Fear

In my case, it comes back to fear. Fear of abandonment.

Every small child experiences abandonment. Not actual abandonment when the child is abandoned by his or her family and left alone. An infant can feel abandoned when it needs something and doesn’t receive it quickly enough.

When my son was an infant, he cried when we put him down by himself. My husband and I joked that we literally wore our son in his snuggly because when he was awake, he needed to be close to us in that way. I now feel a little guilty because in an effort to get him to sleep in his crib alone, we put him in his crib and let him cry until he fell asleep.

We were relieved that he stopped crying after 20-minutes and feel asleep. Twenty minutes doesn’t seem like a very long time who can say how 20-minutes feels to a newborn?

Although I can’t say how it felt for my son, I can only speak from my own experience, for me, abandonment is a feeling so intense, I lose all sense of reality. The best description I have is it’s like being swallowed whole by blackness, terror, and despair.

There is a sense of the implacable: that there is no appeal and there is no hope. There is only this endless dark.

I’m not writing this to say I was a terrible mom or that anyone who doesn’t immediately attend to their crying baby is a bad parent. I think it’s part of being human and the human experience to experience abandonment. In fact, one of the gifts I got from my own abandonment pain was to experience a spiritual awakening in my early 30’s and that set my life on an entirely different trajectory.

A New Level of Letting Go

The term “spiritual awakening” sounds like one day you’re asleep and the next day you’re awake and that’s it; you’re enlightened and done with the mundane struggles of life.

In my experience, there are levels of unconsciousness I’ve discovered over time and I didn’t know I wasn’t conscious until I discovered that something I was doing to cope wasn’t working any more.

Trying to create a successful business has been my catalyst this time round. I tried so many things to make my business successful. To make myself a success. And none of them worked in a way that was sustainable or satisfactory for me.

I’ve realized that my fear if rejection has been the impediment to having a successful business. In fact my fear of rejection has been an impediment to having a lot of things I’ve wanted.

I put so much energy into avoiding rejection and because I’m pretty smart, I’ve come up with some very clear ways. I think of all kinds of reasons why I’m not ready to do this thing or that thing.

In the past when I got stuck in this way, I’d eventually get so impatient with myself that I’d make myself “eat the frog.”  I’d get on the phone and call people and apply for jobs. I’d “get out there” and eventually I’d get the job  or I’d get a client and then I’d breath a sigh of relief “I don’t have to be out there anymore,” and get on with my life.

Kind of like my life wasn’t actually happening while I was out there searching (and experience disappointment and rejection) and now that I’d “found” what I was looking for, I was “done” and now my life was actually “being lived again.” Like the part of my life when I’m unhappy and don’t have what I want doesn’t count or something.

Rather than fully experiencing the feelings of abandonment, sadness, fear, etc. I kind of focus my attention on the future when “everything is right and I’m finally happy.”

I guess given the way abandonment can feel, it’s not surprising that I’ve devoted a large part of my life to avoiding anything that might lead to rejection (and what is rejection but a reminder of abandonment).

It’s not surprising that I’m something of a control freak. If on “on top of everything,” I can avoid ever feeling powerless.

The irony here is that my pursuit of control becomes it’s own trap because I can never really control much in life at all. I can only learn to navigate, ride the waves.

Mindfulness and Meditation

What I’ve felt most drawn to lately has been to practice mindfulness and meditation regularly.

Mindfulness requires attention to the present moment and I feel that it is only in the present moment that I can know my Truth. Anything else only conjecture and speculation.

The Truth when I experience it is I cannot be abandoned because there is no separate self to be abandoned. This is a Spiritual Truth for me. My soul and spirit cannot be abandoned.

There are two simple activities I’m using to deal with my fears and to get unstuck.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/feed/ 0 772 Day 7: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Finding the Potholes http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-7-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-finding-the-potholes/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-7-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-finding-the-potholes/#respond Mon, 26 Jan 2015 19:29:37 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=769 Continue reading →]]> Potholes

Last week I didn’t write much because I had The Cold from Hell. My son, who gave it to me, kept assuring me that it wouldn’t last long. He was right but those were three days of pure misery, I went through 4 boxes of Kleenexes and a small bottle of ibuprofen.

It feels so good to breath through my nose again!

I’m going to look at ways I can trip myself up as an Enneagram 4.

How I Can Get in My Own Way

I’m using the term “potholes” because most of these things are like potholes in the road. Potholes make the ride a lot more jarring and unpleasant than necessary but they don’t derail you. Potholes can also be repaired pretty easily (usually).

  1. My self-identity is centered around “not-enoughness.” I actually go through life seeing myself as a “person who is not enough.” This creates no end of problems, many of which, I wrote about in the “Doom Loop.”
  2. Over-identifying with my emotions. For example, I’ll say, “I’m really pissed off,” The truth is I’m a person is is feeling pissed off. It’s not just semantics. It’s important for me to see the distinction because emotions come and go. The core of who I am is me.
  3. Focusing on “what’s wrong” and “what’s missing.” No surprise that I’m having feelings of anger, sadness, and fear if I’m focusing my attention on everything that is wrong.
  4. Self-criticism and self-loathing. No one can be crueler to me than me. At some point in my life it made it easier to deal with mean people and hurtful situations. Now it just makes me hard to live with.
  5. Deflecting compliments and appreciation from others. Notice when someone says something nice to me and I feel that inner “cringe” which means I’m not allowing myself to fully take it.
  6. Attachment to “Being Special” at the Expense of Others? Am I getting snarky and criticizing other people? Putting them down? Even when done with humor? I’ve noticed that I’ll often engage with humorous put downs but when I read them after some time passes I notice the current of nastiness and resentment that flows pretty close to the surface.
  7. Attachment with being the “odd man out” When I’m in groups I can quickly go to the place of “I’m the only one who thinks this way/feels this way.” This is often accompanied by feelings of self-pity and powerlessness because I feel I’ll be out-voted, 0ut-maneuvered, or simply bullied into silence.
  8. Making things too difficult or complicated so I’m too overwhelmed to do new things. For example, I’ve been interested becoming an eBay seller but I’ve made the whole process so hard for myself that I haven’t even tried to list anything. I’ve put this off for nearly a year now!
  9. Being a perfectionist. This is related to #8 although there are some differences. But it still comes down to giving myself permission to do things in small steps and focus on completing those steps rather than on outcomes.

This is pretty complete list. I’ll expand it if I come up with anything else (an example of letting myself do things in small steps rather than needing it to be complete and perfect from the beginning.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-7-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-finding-the-potholes/feed/ 0 769 Day 3: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Appreciating My Gifts http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-3-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-appreciating-my-gifts/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-3-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-appreciating-my-gifts/#respond Thu, 22 Jan 2015 19:24:03 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=766 Continue reading →]]> IdealWork2

One thing that has emerged for me is how important it is for me to appreciate my own gifts.

It seems that I have been in this weird space of desiring recognition from others in order to feel what I do best is somehow legitimatized.

But I’ve taken the “marketplace” acceptance piece too far. I think I’m so skeptical of my own value that I’ve placed the burden on outside recognition and that doesn’t work.

Today I’m exploring how to change this so that I am my own best champion.

Getting to the Sweet Spot

The diagram for this post shows how ideal work is when the marketplace will pay for what we love to do.

Where things get murky for me is how to find that intersection.

I have a lot of clarity about what I love to do. I didn’t always. I had to give myself permission to enjoy doing things even if I wasn’t sure whether there was a legitimate business opportunity.

I also believe the circle of “things I love to do” will expand because I’ll keep discovering new things I love doing.

The sticking point for me has been believing in the value of these things.

I tend to believe that my gifts, intuition, creativity, and visual design, are trivial pursuits. You don’t get paid to do these things. You do these things as hobbies … for your own pleasure.

This shows up in the way I use my time every day.

Lately, I’ve been looking at not only how I spend my time but how much I enjoyed the activity. My “Joy Scale” is:

5 – Ooh!
4 – Great
3 – OK
2 – Meh
1 – Ugh

I’ve discovered that I spend 80% of my time on activities that are “OK” or lower.

So one conclusion is: spend more time on things that are “Great” and “Ooh!”

One of the reasons, I’ve stopped shopping online is because I spend so much time doing paperwork and packaging. My intention is to use the time I save here on activities I really love.

Finding Activities that are Creative and Connecting

The reason for this blog is partly exploration but it’s also a way to express myself creatively. It’s the reason I create illustrations and diagrams. Because I’m trying out different approaches to communicating my ideas.

For example, one activity I’m considering is doing an Artist’s Way study group. Because this creates opportunities to re-engage in my inner artist and share the fun of discovery with other people.

Another option is to find ways to make things I need to do more enjoyable. For example, listening to music while I errands around the house. That’s something I’m already doing more of.

Learning to Appreciate What I Do

The second piece is learning to fully own and appreciate what I do. I’m not as sure about how I’ll go about this but I’m pretty confident I’ll get ideas as I move forward.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-3-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-appreciating-my-gifts/feed/ 0 766 Day 2: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Getting Out of the “Doom Loop” http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-2-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-getting-out-of-the-doom-loop/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-2-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-getting-out-of-the-doom-loop/#respond Wed, 21 Jan 2015 22:06:52 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=758 Continue reading →]]> Type 4 Doom Loop

Most of us have some kind of bête noire that seems hang over us during at least some point in our lives. Enneagram Type 4’s tend towards what I call “The Doom Loop of Longing for  Love but Never Good Enough to Have It.”

I’m exaggerating my language a little to keep this light. When I talk about shortcomings I can get heavy very quickly.

Call Me “Eeyore”

Eeyore is the donkey in Winnie the Pooh. He wants to be noticed and appreciated but doesn’t think he will be. In the Disney movies, one of his catch phrases is “Thanks for noticin’ me.” Eeyore is always unhappy and feeling sorry for himself not matter how kindly he’s treated by the other characters.

As an Enneagram Type 4, I have have a knack for original thinking and creativity. I have a deep desire for other people to notice these gifts and acknowledge them. But I don’t believe there are very many people who value these things. I especially feel it’s this way in the business world.

Now intellectually, I know this isn’t true. If a least a few business types didn’t care about creativity and aesthetics, Apple would never have become the success it is today because Apple has always played the space where design and technology intersect.

But somehow I’ve attached a big chunk of my identity to believing what I offer isn’t of value.

How the Doom Loop Gets Me in Trouble

So here I am looking for approval and recognition and hooray someone seems to be offering just that!

In a business context this could be a client or employer or potential partner and I jump in with both feet. At first things seem awesome and I have a tendency to see only what’s wonderful because, gosh darn it, they like me!

Inevitably, of course, I begin to see that I’m working with a human being, just like myself, with idiosyncrasies and blind spots, and I get disappointed. Quite often, it’s because someone disagrees with me or criticizes me. Sometimes there really is a deeper issue such as a conflict of values.

I then tend to take these (common) problems personally. Ultimately, I blame it on the fact that I’m somehow “wrong” and undeserving and “they finally figured it out.”

If I didn’t take things personally, I would be able to either work things out so the relationship could continue or I would be able to exit in a way that feels “clean.”

One other thing I want to mention: during the “honeymoon” period where things are feeling really good, when I receive those compliments and the appreciation for which I’ve been yearning, I don’t allow myself to fully receive those compliments.

This sounds utterly bizarre, I know, and yet, I actually feel myself internally cringing when I’m praised. I believe this is because getting what I want brings up feelings of vulnerability. I won’t let myself enjoy having the appreciation because I find it easier adopt the attitude of “this is a temporary respite.” I may smile and say “thank you” politely after receiving a compliment because it’s expected behavior but I know what’s coming.

If I’m later rebuked or criticized, it’s easier to fall from a place “wariness” than from full-hearted joy. At some point in my life I decided, this was the best way to handle things.

I know this probably sounds horribly depressing but there’s a true bright spot here. I do much better in my personal relationships. I’ve been married for 20+ years and I have a great relationship with my teenage son. I also have people I’ve been friends with for years.

So what I’ve learned is when someone shows commitment over time so that I know they accept me fully as I am, I can escape the doom loop.

The challenges I see for myself moving forward are:

  1. Have the willingness to deal with the discomfort of displeasing people I don’t know as well and not make their disapproval personal.
  2. Use mindfulness, radical forgiveness, and other tools to get to a place of peace (or at least emotional neutrality).

If I can disengage and find a measure of peace, I’m in a much better place to assess what’s really going on and how to move forward in a way that is in integrity with what I value.

The “Doom Loop” is the underlying issue that fuels a lot of the problems I experience. I’m going to talk more about specific issues in future posts.

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]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-2-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-getting-out-of-the-doom-loop/feed/ 0 758 Day 1: Taking the Struggle Out of Life http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-1-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-1-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life/#respond Tue, 20 Jan 2015 17:38:08 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=752 Continue reading →]]> JudywRainbow

This week I’m focusing on using self-observation to more clearly see where I tend to self-sabotage and get in my own way.

To begin, however, I want to write about the natural strengths persons who are Enneagram type 4s. My reason is so often I dwell on what I’m struggling with and it can begin feeling pretty heavy after a while. It feels like a good idea to begin with looking at what’s right.

The Gifts of Enneagram Type 4s

I’ve slightly paraphrased these from The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Beatrice Chestnut.

The natural strengths of Type Fours include:

  • We have a large capacity for emotional sensitivity and depth.
  • Our ability to sense what is going on between people on the emotional level.
  • We have a natural feel for aesthetics and creativity. Although it would be wrong to think that all Fours are artists or all artists are Fours, we do have an artistic impulse that enables us to see and respond to the poetry in life, and to highlight for others the way everyday experiences can be viewed and communicated in creative and even transcendent ways.
  • An idealistic and romantic sensibility.
  • We are relatively unafraid of intense feelings, (and we) value the expression of authentic emotion.
  • We can support others with great care, respect, and sensitivity when they are experiencing painful emotions. Our regular contact with our own emotional terrain gives us a lot of comfort and strength in being with intense feelings and empowering others to feel and accept their emotions.
  • We are highly empathic and can see the beauty and power in painful feelings that (most people) other types habitually avoid.
  • The “superpower” is that we are naturally emotionally intuitive.

The key phrases that pop out for me are:

  • Comfort level with our own emotions and those of others.
  • Respect, even a love for authentic emotions.
  • Empathy and intuition for other people’s emotional experiences.
  • A love for aesthetics: for beauty.
  • Communicating experience in creative even transcendent ways.

What is interesting for me is how reluctant I’ve been to own these gifts and by not accepting my gifts, I’ve created a lot of struggle and difficulties for myself.

So I think if I were to accomplish only one thing in the next 30-days it will be to begin to genuinely feel appreciation for these gifts. I’ve spent so many years complaining about how no one appreciates my gifts and I can’t make money doing what I love but how can I expect anyone else to appreciate what I offer if I, myself, am so convinced that I bring to the table isn’t all that useful?

This isn’t about bragging or being arrogant by the way. It’s about gratitude and appreciation and love. It’s about “being” not “telling.”

I’m going to spend some time today, playing with possibilities for cultivating appreciation in ways that are fun and creative.

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