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'/cache/'; $file_prefix = 'wp-cache-'; // Disable the file locking system. // If you are experiencing problems with clearing or creating cache files // uncommenting this may help. $wp_cache_mutex_disabled = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // Just modify it if you have conflicts with semaphores $sem_id = 1827405549; //Added by WP-Cache Manager if ( '/' != substr($cache_path, -1)) { $cache_path .= '/'; } $wp_cache_mobile = 0; $wp_cache_mobile_whitelist = 'Stand Alone/QNws'; $wp_cache_mobile_browsers = '2.0 MMP, 240x320, 400X240, AvantGo, BlackBerry, Blazer, Cellphone, Danger, DoCoMo, Elaine/3.0, EudoraWeb, Googlebot-Mobile, hiptop, IEMobile, KYOCERA/WX310K, LG/U990, MIDP-2., MMEF20, MOT-V, NetFront, Newt, Nintendo Wii, Nitro, Nokia, Opera Mini, Palm, PlayStation Portable, portalmmm, Proxinet, ProxiNet, SHARP-TQ-GX10, SHG-i900, Small, SonyEricsson, Symbian OS, SymbianOS, TS21i-10, UP.Browser, UP.Link, webOS, Windows CE, WinWAP, YahooSeeker/M1A1-R2D2, iPhone, iPod, Android, BlackBerry9530, LG-TU915 Obigo, LGE VX, webOS, Nokia5800'; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // change to relocate the supercache plugins directory $wp_cache_plugins_dir = WPCACHEHOME . 'plugins'; // set to 1 to do garbage collection during normal process shutdown instead of wp-cron $wp_cache_shutdown_gc = 0; $wp_super_cache_late_init = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager // uncomment the next line to enable advanced debugging features $wp_super_cache_advanced_debug = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_text = ''; $wp_super_cache_front_page_clear = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_check = 0; $wp_super_cache_front_page_notification = '0'; $wp_cache_object_cache = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_anon_only = 0; $wp_supercache_cache_list = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_debug_to_file = 0; $wp_super_cache_debug = 0; $wp_cache_debug_level = 5; $wp_cache_debug_ip = ''; $wp_cache_debug_log = ''; $wp_cache_debug_email = ''; $wp_cache_pages[ "search" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "feed" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "category" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "home" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "frontpage" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "tag" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "archives" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "pages" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "single" ] = 0; $wp_cache_pages[ "author" ] = 0; $wp_cache_hide_donation = 0; $wp_cache_not_logged_in = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_clear_on_post_edit = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_hello_world = 0; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_mobile_enabled = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager $wp_cache_cron_check = 1; //Added by WP-Cache Manager ?> Enneagram Type 4 – The Big Joy Project http://www.bigjoyproject.com Ideas and inspiration for living a joy-filled life Wed, 28 Jan 2015 21:06:08 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.0 https://i0.wp.com/www.bigjoyproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/BigJoy2-547dfc06_site_icon.png?fit=32%2C32 Enneagram Type 4 – The Big Joy Project http://www.bigjoyproject.com 32 32 43270858 Day 9: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Breaking Out of the Rejection Avoidance Trap http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/#respond Wed, 28 Jan 2015 21:06:08 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=772 Continue reading →]]> dealing-with-rejection2

No one enjoys rejection but I seem to go out of my way to avoid rejection.

I didn’t always see myself this way. I used to see myself as more in the middle when it came to handling situations in which rejection was likely. I’ve experienced quite a bit of rejection and I’ve always been able to bounce back.

But in retrospect I’m not sure I’ve bounced back. I think what I’ve really been doing is using some old coping tricks which work to a degree but have also kept me stuck and, in a way, imprisoned.

Which naturally raises the question, why would anyone willingly keep themselves in imprisoned?

It Always Comes Back to Fear

In my case, it comes back to fear. Fear of abandonment.

Every small child experiences abandonment. Not actual abandonment when the child is abandoned by his or her family and left alone. An infant can feel abandoned when it needs something and doesn’t receive it quickly enough.

When my son was an infant, he cried when we put him down by himself. My husband and I joked that we literally wore our son in his snuggly because when he was awake, he needed to be close to us in that way. I now feel a little guilty because in an effort to get him to sleep in his crib alone, we put him in his crib and let him cry until he fell asleep.

We were relieved that he stopped crying after 20-minutes and feel asleep. Twenty minutes doesn’t seem like a very long time who can say how 20-minutes feels to a newborn?

Although I can’t say how it felt for my son, I can only speak from my own experience, for me, abandonment is a feeling so intense, I lose all sense of reality. The best description I have is it’s like being swallowed whole by blackness, terror, and despair.

There is a sense of the implacable: that there is no appeal and there is no hope. There is only this endless dark.

I’m not writing this to say I was a terrible mom or that anyone who doesn’t immediately attend to their crying baby is a bad parent. I think it’s part of being human and the human experience to experience abandonment. In fact, one of the gifts I got from my own abandonment pain was to experience a spiritual awakening in my early 30’s and that set my life on an entirely different trajectory.

A New Level of Letting Go

The term “spiritual awakening” sounds like one day you’re asleep and the next day you’re awake and that’s it; you’re enlightened and done with the mundane struggles of life.

In my experience, there are levels of unconsciousness I’ve discovered over time and I didn’t know I wasn’t conscious until I discovered that something I was doing to cope wasn’t working any more.

Trying to create a successful business has been my catalyst this time round. I tried so many things to make my business successful. To make myself a success. And none of them worked in a way that was sustainable or satisfactory for me.

I’ve realized that my fear if rejection has been the impediment to having a successful business. In fact my fear of rejection has been an impediment to having a lot of things I’ve wanted.

I put so much energy into avoiding rejection and because I’m pretty smart, I’ve come up with some very clear ways. I think of all kinds of reasons why I’m not ready to do this thing or that thing.

In the past when I got stuck in this way, I’d eventually get so impatient with myself that I’d make myself “eat the frog.”  I’d get on the phone and call people and apply for jobs. I’d “get out there” and eventually I’d get the job  or I’d get a client and then I’d breath a sigh of relief “I don’t have to be out there anymore,” and get on with my life.

Kind of like my life wasn’t actually happening while I was out there searching (and experience disappointment and rejection) and now that I’d “found” what I was looking for, I was “done” and now my life was actually “being lived again.” Like the part of my life when I’m unhappy and don’t have what I want doesn’t count or something.

Rather than fully experiencing the feelings of abandonment, sadness, fear, etc. I kind of focus my attention on the future when “everything is right and I’m finally happy.”

I guess given the way abandonment can feel, it’s not surprising that I’ve devoted a large part of my life to avoiding anything that might lead to rejection (and what is rejection but a reminder of abandonment).

It’s not surprising that I’m something of a control freak. If on “on top of everything,” I can avoid ever feeling powerless.

The irony here is that my pursuit of control becomes it’s own trap because I can never really control much in life at all. I can only learn to navigate, ride the waves.

Mindfulness and Meditation

What I’ve felt most drawn to lately has been to practice mindfulness and meditation regularly.

Mindfulness requires attention to the present moment and I feel that it is only in the present moment that I can know my Truth. Anything else only conjecture and speculation.

The Truth when I experience it is I cannot be abandoned because there is no separate self to be abandoned. This is a Spiritual Truth for me. My soul and spirit cannot be abandoned.

There are two simple activities I’m using to deal with my fears and to get unstuck.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-9-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-breaking-out-of-the-rejection-avoidance-trap/feed/ 0 772 Day 7: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Finding the Potholes http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-7-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-finding-the-potholes/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-7-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-finding-the-potholes/#respond Mon, 26 Jan 2015 19:29:37 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=769 Continue reading →]]> Potholes

Last week I didn’t write much because I had The Cold from Hell. My son, who gave it to me, kept assuring me that it wouldn’t last long. He was right but those were three days of pure misery, I went through 4 boxes of Kleenexes and a small bottle of ibuprofen.

It feels so good to breath through my nose again!

I’m going to look at ways I can trip myself up as an Enneagram 4.

How I Can Get in My Own Way

I’m using the term “potholes” because most of these things are like potholes in the road. Potholes make the ride a lot more jarring and unpleasant than necessary but they don’t derail you. Potholes can also be repaired pretty easily (usually).

  1. My self-identity is centered around “not-enoughness.” I actually go through life seeing myself as a “person who is not enough.” This creates no end of problems, many of which, I wrote about in the “Doom Loop.”
  2. Over-identifying with my emotions. For example, I’ll say, “I’m really pissed off,” The truth is I’m a person is is feeling pissed off. It’s not just semantics. It’s important for me to see the distinction because emotions come and go. The core of who I am is me.
  3. Focusing on “what’s wrong” and “what’s missing.” No surprise that I’m having feelings of anger, sadness, and fear if I’m focusing my attention on everything that is wrong.
  4. Self-criticism and self-loathing. No one can be crueler to me than me. At some point in my life it made it easier to deal with mean people and hurtful situations. Now it just makes me hard to live with.
  5. Deflecting compliments and appreciation from others. Notice when someone says something nice to me and I feel that inner “cringe” which means I’m not allowing myself to fully take it.
  6. Attachment to “Being Special” at the Expense of Others? Am I getting snarky and criticizing other people? Putting them down? Even when done with humor? I’ve noticed that I’ll often engage with humorous put downs but when I read them after some time passes I notice the current of nastiness and resentment that flows pretty close to the surface.
  7. Attachment with being the “odd man out” When I’m in groups I can quickly go to the place of “I’m the only one who thinks this way/feels this way.” This is often accompanied by feelings of self-pity and powerlessness because I feel I’ll be out-voted, 0ut-maneuvered, or simply bullied into silence.
  8. Making things too difficult or complicated so I’m too overwhelmed to do new things. For example, I’ve been interested becoming an eBay seller but I’ve made the whole process so hard for myself that I haven’t even tried to list anything. I’ve put this off for nearly a year now!
  9. Being a perfectionist. This is related to #8 although there are some differences. But it still comes down to giving myself permission to do things in small steps and focus on completing those steps rather than on outcomes.

This is pretty complete list. I’ll expand it if I come up with anything else (an example of letting myself do things in small steps rather than needing it to be complete and perfect from the beginning.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-7-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-finding-the-potholes/feed/ 0 769 Day 3: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Appreciating My Gifts http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-3-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-appreciating-my-gifts/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-3-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-appreciating-my-gifts/#respond Thu, 22 Jan 2015 19:24:03 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=766 Continue reading →]]> IdealWork2

One thing that has emerged for me is how important it is for me to appreciate my own gifts.

It seems that I have been in this weird space of desiring recognition from others in order to feel what I do best is somehow legitimatized.

But I’ve taken the “marketplace” acceptance piece too far. I think I’m so skeptical of my own value that I’ve placed the burden on outside recognition and that doesn’t work.

Today I’m exploring how to change this so that I am my own best champion.

Getting to the Sweet Spot

The diagram for this post shows how ideal work is when the marketplace will pay for what we love to do.

Where things get murky for me is how to find that intersection.

I have a lot of clarity about what I love to do. I didn’t always. I had to give myself permission to enjoy doing things even if I wasn’t sure whether there was a legitimate business opportunity.

I also believe the circle of “things I love to do” will expand because I’ll keep discovering new things I love doing.

The sticking point for me has been believing in the value of these things.

I tend to believe that my gifts, intuition, creativity, and visual design, are trivial pursuits. You don’t get paid to do these things. You do these things as hobbies … for your own pleasure.

This shows up in the way I use my time every day.

Lately, I’ve been looking at not only how I spend my time but how much I enjoyed the activity. My “Joy Scale” is:

5 – Ooh!
4 – Great
3 – OK
2 – Meh
1 – Ugh

I’ve discovered that I spend 80% of my time on activities that are “OK” or lower.

So one conclusion is: spend more time on things that are “Great” and “Ooh!”

One of the reasons, I’ve stopped shopping online is because I spend so much time doing paperwork and packaging. My intention is to use the time I save here on activities I really love.

Finding Activities that are Creative and Connecting

The reason for this blog is partly exploration but it’s also a way to express myself creatively. It’s the reason I create illustrations and diagrams. Because I’m trying out different approaches to communicating my ideas.

For example, one activity I’m considering is doing an Artist’s Way study group. Because this creates opportunities to re-engage in my inner artist and share the fun of discovery with other people.

Another option is to find ways to make things I need to do more enjoyable. For example, listening to music while I errands around the house. That’s something I’m already doing more of.

Learning to Appreciate What I Do

The second piece is learning to fully own and appreciate what I do. I’m not as sure about how I’ll go about this but I’m pretty confident I’ll get ideas as I move forward.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-3-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-appreciating-my-gifts/feed/ 0 766 Day 2: Taking the Struggle Out of Life – Getting Out of the “Doom Loop” http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-2-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-getting-out-of-the-doom-loop/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-2-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-getting-out-of-the-doom-loop/#respond Wed, 21 Jan 2015 22:06:52 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=758 Continue reading →]]> Type 4 Doom Loop

Most of us have some kind of bête noire that seems hang over us during at least some point in our lives. Enneagram Type 4’s tend towards what I call “The Doom Loop of Longing for  Love but Never Good Enough to Have It.”

I’m exaggerating my language a little to keep this light. When I talk about shortcomings I can get heavy very quickly.

Call Me “Eeyore”

Eeyore is the donkey in Winnie the Pooh. He wants to be noticed and appreciated but doesn’t think he will be. In the Disney movies, one of his catch phrases is “Thanks for noticin’ me.” Eeyore is always unhappy and feeling sorry for himself not matter how kindly he’s treated by the other characters.

As an Enneagram Type 4, I have have a knack for original thinking and creativity. I have a deep desire for other people to notice these gifts and acknowledge them. But I don’t believe there are very many people who value these things. I especially feel it’s this way in the business world.

Now intellectually, I know this isn’t true. If a least a few business types didn’t care about creativity and aesthetics, Apple would never have become the success it is today because Apple has always played the space where design and technology intersect.

But somehow I’ve attached a big chunk of my identity to believing what I offer isn’t of value.

How the Doom Loop Gets Me in Trouble

So here I am looking for approval and recognition and hooray someone seems to be offering just that!

In a business context this could be a client or employer or potential partner and I jump in with both feet. At first things seem awesome and I have a tendency to see only what’s wonderful because, gosh darn it, they like me!

Inevitably, of course, I begin to see that I’m working with a human being, just like myself, with idiosyncrasies and blind spots, and I get disappointed. Quite often, it’s because someone disagrees with me or criticizes me. Sometimes there really is a deeper issue such as a conflict of values.

I then tend to take these (common) problems personally. Ultimately, I blame it on the fact that I’m somehow “wrong” and undeserving and “they finally figured it out.”

If I didn’t take things personally, I would be able to either work things out so the relationship could continue or I would be able to exit in a way that feels “clean.”

One other thing I want to mention: during the “honeymoon” period where things are feeling really good, when I receive those compliments and the appreciation for which I’ve been yearning, I don’t allow myself to fully receive those compliments.

This sounds utterly bizarre, I know, and yet, I actually feel myself internally cringing when I’m praised. I believe this is because getting what I want brings up feelings of vulnerability. I won’t let myself enjoy having the appreciation because I find it easier adopt the attitude of “this is a temporary respite.” I may smile and say “thank you” politely after receiving a compliment because it’s expected behavior but I know what’s coming.

If I’m later rebuked or criticized, it’s easier to fall from a place “wariness” than from full-hearted joy. At some point in my life I decided, this was the best way to handle things.

I know this probably sounds horribly depressing but there’s a true bright spot here. I do much better in my personal relationships. I’ve been married for 20+ years and I have a great relationship with my teenage son. I also have people I’ve been friends with for years.

So what I’ve learned is when someone shows commitment over time so that I know they accept me fully as I am, I can escape the doom loop.

The challenges I see for myself moving forward are:

  1. Have the willingness to deal with the discomfort of displeasing people I don’t know as well and not make their disapproval personal.
  2. Use mindfulness, radical forgiveness, and other tools to get to a place of peace (or at least emotional neutrality).

If I can disengage and find a measure of peace, I’m in a much better place to assess what’s really going on and how to move forward in a way that is in integrity with what I value.

The “Doom Loop” is the underlying issue that fuels a lot of the problems I experience. I’m going to talk more about specific issues in future posts.

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]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-2-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life-getting-out-of-the-doom-loop/feed/ 0 758 Day 1: Taking the Struggle Out of Life http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-1-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-1-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life/#respond Tue, 20 Jan 2015 17:38:08 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=752 Continue reading →]]> JudywRainbow

This week I’m focusing on using self-observation to more clearly see where I tend to self-sabotage and get in my own way.

To begin, however, I want to write about the natural strengths persons who are Enneagram type 4s. My reason is so often I dwell on what I’m struggling with and it can begin feeling pretty heavy after a while. It feels like a good idea to begin with looking at what’s right.

The Gifts of Enneagram Type 4s

I’ve slightly paraphrased these from The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Beatrice Chestnut.

The natural strengths of Type Fours include:

  • We have a large capacity for emotional sensitivity and depth.
  • Our ability to sense what is going on between people on the emotional level.
  • We have a natural feel for aesthetics and creativity. Although it would be wrong to think that all Fours are artists or all artists are Fours, we do have an artistic impulse that enables us to see and respond to the poetry in life, and to highlight for others the way everyday experiences can be viewed and communicated in creative and even transcendent ways.
  • An idealistic and romantic sensibility.
  • We are relatively unafraid of intense feelings, (and we) value the expression of authentic emotion.
  • We can support others with great care, respect, and sensitivity when they are experiencing painful emotions. Our regular contact with our own emotional terrain gives us a lot of comfort and strength in being with intense feelings and empowering others to feel and accept their emotions.
  • We are highly empathic and can see the beauty and power in painful feelings that (most people) other types habitually avoid.
  • The “superpower” is that we are naturally emotionally intuitive.

The key phrases that pop out for me are:

  • Comfort level with our own emotions and those of others.
  • Respect, even a love for authentic emotions.
  • Empathy and intuition for other people’s emotional experiences.
  • A love for aesthetics: for beauty.
  • Communicating experience in creative even transcendent ways.

What is interesting for me is how reluctant I’ve been to own these gifts and by not accepting my gifts, I’ve created a lot of struggle and difficulties for myself.

So I think if I were to accomplish only one thing in the next 30-days it will be to begin to genuinely feel appreciation for these gifts. I’ve spent so many years complaining about how no one appreciates my gifts and I can’t make money doing what I love but how can I expect anyone else to appreciate what I offer if I, myself, am so convinced that I bring to the table isn’t all that useful?

This isn’t about bragging or being arrogant by the way. It’s about gratitude and appreciation and love. It’s about “being” not “telling.”

I’m going to spend some time today, playing with possibilities for cultivating appreciation in ways that are fun and creative.

]]> http://www.bigjoyproject.com/day-1-taking-the-struggle-out-of-life/feed/ 0 752 A Shift in Focus: Thriving as an Enneagram Type 4 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/a-shift-in-focus-thriving-as-an-eneagram-type-4/ http://www.bigjoyproject.com/a-shift-in-focus-thriving-as-an-eneagram-type-4/#respond Mon, 19 Jan 2015 17:37:37 +0000 http://www.bigjoyproject.com/?p=743 Continue reading →]]> Type4Enneagram

I’m still going to work on de-cluttering my closet but there’s a more compelling issue I want to focus on for the next 30-days which has to do with self-growth and feeling more joy and freedom.

My coach suggested that, based on what is working and not working in my life, the Enneagram would be a good tool to help me move forward.

I did some work with the Enneagram a few years ago and I know I’m a type 4. Enneagram Type 4’s are the proverbial “tormented artistes.” We believe we are chronic misfits and doomed to always be stuck on the outside looking in. We also may believe our superior sense of aesthetics and our brilliance will never be properly appreciated by the rest of the world.

artiste

4’s tend to struggle with envy. We’re constantly comparing ourselves and always find ourselves lacking. We also tend to see what’s missing rather than what’s good.

All of the above are generalizations. There are subtypes and differences, For example, some 4’s consider themselves bohos and don’t even attempt to co-exist in the conventional world. I’ve always been the type who has artistic, unconventional leanings but stifles those urges in order to achieve what most people define as success.

The thing is, no matter how hard I tried, my inner freak always leaked out and would “get in my way.” Going along to succeed has never been something I’ve done well and I’ve tended to leave work situations pretty ungracefully.

This is why I haven’t rushed into a new work situation or tried to develop my business. I want to first feel more solid about who I am and what I really want so I make better choices and avoid some of the thinking that gets me in trouble.

For this reason, I’m going to devote the next 30 days to learning about the “gotchas” that tend to get me into trouble as a Type 4 and start using my Type 4 tendencies as gifts rather than liabilities.

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